Back Injuries and other musings

So I threw my back out.  Can I just say I've never had any back problems ever in my life.  I know people who have gotten injured in sports or had back issues from running or had chronic pain in their foot.  Or something like that.  But I've never experienced anything like this before.  And all I can say is that this is one of the most humbling experiences for me.  And I also have a totally new appreciation for people suffering from back pain.  

I literally just stood up from a chair.  I did stand up a little awkward.  I was holding my abnormally large 4 month old and straddling a glider foot rest in our church's nursing room when I felt it.  Like someone took a knife to my lower back.  Seriously praise the Lord I had my phone in my hand because I couldn't move from that chair and I don't know how I would have moved while holding Cole.  I think part of me just hoped that after laying in that glider awkwardly for a couple minutes I would feel better, but I knew that the unstoppable tears flowing down my face after grabbing Dan's hand in an attempt to stand meant this pain wasn't going to go away quickly.  And it hasn't.  Here we are, Thursday.  Day 4 of laying in my bed.  I'm so thankful for an awesome husband who has been doing way more than he bargained for this week, and my super helpful mom and dad who let my mom come to stay with us for the week because I just don't know how else we would be surviving over here. 

However, all this laying in bed has given me time to catch up on emails, photography, adoption, and many other things that I don't have time to do with a toddler and baby during the day!  Somewhere around Tuesday I decided that if I was going to be bed ridden for a couple days I might as well make the best of it.  So, here we are. 

And somewhere around this time of the year God always slows me down.  Somewhere around Good Friday He stops me in my tracks and He has me remember.  (even though I wish it didn't happen like this ;) ) And His reminder is always much needed for me.  That before Sunday can come, there is Good Friday.  A day that was destined for Jesus long before He was even born.  A day where He takes our sins- my sins- to the cross and is crushed and pierced so that I can be healed and so that I can have peace. 

Just this week I have been following a devotional through SheReadsTruth and they posted one on Wednesday  about what happened in real time the Wednesday before Jesus died that really spoke to me. And it's the story about Mary pouring out expensive perfume when she sees Jesus.  I've totally heard this story a thousand times but it never clicked to me that this happened just days before the crucifixion.  What a beautiful thing for someone to do for Jesus just days before his death.  And while she got a lot of flack for "wasting" the expensive perfume, Jesus justified her action, saying it was beautiful.  

Mary challenges me in so many ways, because I am definitely hard wired more like her sister, Martha.  I am the person who wants to always "do" and be and I like to think pragmatically.  I am the person who would be questioning why Mary is pouring out such expensive perfume when there are tons of poor people who could be fed with that perfume if it was sold.  And Jesus' response is striking to me.  Just like the response he gives the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son- the radical grace that God gives us when we return even when we don't deserve it.  To me it doesn't make sense.  And Mary's actions here to me practically don't make sense.  Yet Jesus is telling the people at the dinner not to think practically, but to realize what is at stake - Jesus is going to die.  And Mary gets that.  She understands what is at stake and her actions show how deeply she understands the sacrifice that Jesus is going to make and Jesus says that her understanding and actions because of that are beautiful and that she will be remembered for generations because of it.

How I want people to remember me for my beauty.  Not the outward beauty because that fades and is so so fleeting.  But for the beautiful acts that I do for people and for Jesus.  Because that is what impacts generations to come.  And beauty is something that we crave in this world and it's something that Jesus created and declared good - just look around in His creation and we can see it everywhere.  And He shares it with us to enjoy- in every new bud that comes up this spring and every sunrise and sunset.  What a gift that we have.  I pray that God would make me more like Mary.  Who can see what is truly important and create beauty where it is needed. 

Plan A: Our Story

I can assure you that infertility was not our plan A.  Plan A consisted of Dan and I having babies relatively close together- I think mostly in part because we both grew up with siblings fairly close in age and we really enjoyed that. When we got pregnant faster than we expected the second time, we were surprised but excited- our "Plan A" was going exactly how we imagined.

Then, we had a miscarriage.  And then we tried to get pregnant again.  I didn't worry too much that it was taking us a few months to get pregnant.  It takes lots of people a few months to get pregnant and we had just moved so I was sure God was waiting for the perfect moment.

It didn't really occur to me that Dan and I were considered "infertile" until recently [Even though my doctor's office sent me numerous pamphlets in the mail on the topic :)].  I haven't really talked much about this season of trying for another baby on our blog because it's hard.  It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling and if I was fully and completely honest about it - I just assumed at some point we would get pregnant and this wouldn't really be a season of my life that I share with too many people.  Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's hard to be open about something that at times can just feel lonely and vulnerable.  Especially secondary infertility.  Because you've already had a baby.  So you should be thankful.  And you shouldn't worry about it.

The more people I get to know the more open they are with sharing their stories about infertility and loss, but it's obviously not something people talk about often on social media or Facebook- "Month 15 of trying for our baby!" are not really posts you see.  Naturally, you see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements - which are things that should and need to be celebrated!  We just don't talk about the really hard things in life as often as the good things, so when you go through those hard times, it's easy to feel alone.

Ultimately, I feel led to talk about infertility because it's the story that the Lord is weaving into our lives and I want Him to get glory for what He's doing and pray what I share can encourage someone else through it.

This whole trying for a second baby has been such a long, difficult, wonderful, confusing road for us.  In the beginning I tried not to worry.  I wrote a post here how I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the birth of our what would have been our second child in October of 2013, and although it was sad to me when October 20th passed and we weren't pregnant, I still had high hopes that we would get pregnant soon.

The 9 to 10 month "mark" of trying for baby #2 was hard because our  friends who got pregnant when we first started trying were now having their babies. I can honestly say, only by God's grace, that I wasn't upset at God for giving them babies and not us, I just kept my hope in the fact that we would get pregnant soon.

Somewhere along the lines I stopped counting how much older Jake would be if I got pregnant the upcoming month because it was getting to be exhausting.  While I can honestly say the thoughts of getting pregnant again didn't overtake every moment of my day, it was obviously something that crept into my mind when anyone innocently asked, "So is he your only one?" or says, "Just wait when you have two."  But in those moments, I just kept my hope in the fact that sooner or later, we would get pregnant again.

After trying for a year we decided to have some tests done.  We went back and forth on if we should even do the tests, but in the end, we were thankful that we did because they showed that everything looked relatively normal for two 28 year olds trying to get pregnant for the second time.  Aside from the couple minor thoughts the doctors had as to why we couldn't conceive, there were no blaring red flags telling us we could never conceive on our own again.

After all the tests the doctors recommended doing an IUI.  I can honestly say we were very skeptical.  We knew that our bodies were capable of conceiving so neither of us thought that it would come to this.  So we started praying, researching, and seeking godly counsel.  We went back and forth on what we should do for months.  After all that time, we decided to try the IUI.  At this point we had been trying for over a year and if the "minor issues" that the doctors thought could be getting in the way of us getting pregnant could be prevented through an IUI, we were willing to try it.  We knew that we weren't going to thwart God's plan in any way - He is the creator and author of life with or without an IUI, but He has given wisdom to the doctors to help families in situations like ours.  {I could write a novel about our thoughts on the IUI- if you're interested in knowing more of our thought process just let me know and I'd be happy to talk about it } So we called the doctor and started the process.

And God showed me something big during the month that we planned to have the IUI.  He showed me that my hope had always been in a positive pregnancy test.  Ultimately, anything that we put our hope in other than Him is going to fail us.  Only God gives us true joy and peace, not a positive pregnancy test.

 So even though I was shaking uncontrollably the morning I woke up to take my pregnancy test, God gave me a very strange peace in the fact that it was negative.  Because my hope was no longer in seeing the words positive, my hope was in Him regardless of what that test said.  Don't get me wrong, I would have LOVED for it to say pregnant.  But in that moment I knew that God was doing something more in our lives.  And so from that day on my prayer changed from "Lord, please make me pregnant this month," to "God please help me to accept your wonderful story for our lives."

It never occurred to Dan or I that Jake may be the only full term pregnancy that I have.  We always saved our clothing for our next baby and I talked about my maternity clothes in the casual "next time around I can wear this."  And if I'm honest with you, the hardest part of this journey for me has been dying to my own dreams and expectations of what our family should look like.

Yes, I know very well that Dan and I could get pregnant any month.  I know that we could go on to have 5 more biological children if God so wills.  We don't know why we are in this season of waiting.  However, we do know that He is bigger than anything that is going on in our bodies right now and when/ if he wants us to have another child, we could.  Yet through all this waiting, God has confirmed in me once again, that He is the creator and author of life.  For me to move forward and really trust Him, I needed to surrender any number of future children we could have to Him.

You guys, I could sit here and write what would seem like pages of verses, quotes, and songs that have spoke VOLUMES to me during this season of my life.  And I most likely will write more in the future- because I want you all to see that God can use a season of infertility to grow you in ways you never imagined as He has done with us.  I had to share some of the awesome things God has shown me because this story isn't finished.  Our "Plan A" may not be what we wanted, but He's not done with our story yet and we're excited to share with you in the next couple weeks where He's taking us next.

So, if anyone is struggling with waiting on anything- a baby, a job, getting over a sickness- whatever it is, I pray that these verses and quotes that have spoken SO much to me this past year and a half can do the same for you- even if you haven't gotten what you are "waiting" for.
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*For the past year I have had a "secret" Pinterest board that only had things related to waiting and trials and that is where all of the verses/ quotes came from.  There is a whole lot more here if you'd like to take a look :)

Haven't lost hope

Recently I was reading through 2 Corinthians 4 and felt great comfort when Paul admitted to being "perplexed, but not driven to despair."
After looking up the following definitions I found myself relating all too much to what the apostles felt:

Perplexed: Filled with uncertainty. Puzzled. Baffled. Confounded.

Despair: Lose hope or confidence.  To lose heart.

Right before Jake was born Dan and I were faced with a pretty difficult situation.  It wasn't difficult in a sense that most people would think, but it was difficult because we found ourselves questioning our calling and feeling rather confused about our future.  Dan was offered a job that appeared to be a dream job for anyone in our position.  He would receive great training that would jump start a new career for him- the type of one we had been pursuing and praying about for the past four years.  On paper, it was the perfect opportunity. 

Well, this is where you insert the big "but" for us.  For some reason, we did not feel a peace about the decision.  Don't get me wrong, we didn't base our whole decision on feeling, there were other aspects of the job that had its red flags.  However we could have overlooked those had we felt the excitement, passion, and desire that we felt should have been there.  I actually prayed that I would feel it.  It would make things so much easier for us.  Yet after weeks of praying it never came and so we had to say no.  We knew that we couldn't accept the job offer.

Needless to say we were perplexed- really confused about why that job wasn't meant for us.  And to be honest with you, I have to admit that at times I was (and still can be) driven to despair.  I start to lose hope in where God is taking us and the plan he has for our future.  We have questioned if we did the right thing because the job seemed so right. 

However, if we go back to the text, afterwards Paul talks about how the apostles carried the death of Jesus in their bodies so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.  Paul is saying that it's not going to be easy- we're going to face trouble, loneliness, hardship, and be confused, however this happens so that Jesus will be glorified.  Adversity is not inconsistent with the Christian life- and it is in that very weakness that the life of Jesus will be revealed.

That is where I find hope.  I find hope that somewhere in this perplexing situation Jesus is going to use it.  I can be assured that God still has a plan for our family and He is still going to use us, even if it doesn't go the way we thought it would.  And so once again, I am brought to a place of dependency- not on myself but on God and His leading regarding our future.

via

I liked this

❝Our relationship with Jesus is messy, intimate, and beautiful all at the same time. Often He takes us on these dangerous adventures just to strip everything else away but Himself. From there, He’ll show us that He is writing a bigger and far more beautiful story than we could have ever imagined.

— Paige Armstrong (via)

I liked this.  Sometimes I wonder what God is doing in our lives and where He is taking us. And this quote reminded me 2 things:
1.  God is working right now.  What He's doing in our lives is meaningful and purposeful even if it doesn't appear that way. 
2. God has something amazing planned for our future.  Not necessarily amazing like "get rich and retire early amazing."  But amazing like "I am going to use you in big ways because you are my ambassador on earth amazing."  

I just need to trust the path we have been on thus far; be patient with the unknown in the present; and be flexible with the plans I tend to hold onto so tightly for our future.

Easy, right? Don't worry.. I'm working on it :)

Let's talk about Money

So, it's been a while since I've updated you on something that I have talked about a lot on this blog.  Since we moved out to here to Chicago in the summer of 2008, one of our main goals has been to pay off our undergrad loans.  Every couple months, we would put the money we saved toward our loans and bit by bit paid off our smallest 2 ones.  Then, in the summer of 2010, we ran into a small dilemma.  My position at Trinity changed from Admissions Counselor to Event Coordinator meaning the company car I had needed to be returned.  That same summer, Dan's car was quickly breaking down on us, leaving us with one option.  We had to buy two cars.  


Needless to say, there were tears involved in that decision.  I'm not too emotional, but when I realized our plans to pay off our debt in 2 years was not going to happen, I was crushed.  Since we had been putting all of our extra money toward our undergrad loans, we had to take out two more loans to buy our cars, increasing our debt.  I thought the end was never in sight.  


But, this past December, after a generous gift from Dan's parents, we were able to officially pay off the last bit of our one car loan.  So, after three and a half years and $80,000 later, we are officially debt free. :)


It is an incredible feeling to have it all paid off!  But, at the same time, I have struggled with what to do next.  Save up an emergency fund... then save for a down payment on a home?  What about our baby?  Should we start saving for their education?  How quickly I can move from being satisfied and content, to being worried and concerned about the next steps in our budget. 


While these thoughts are not bad and most likely smart, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be content.  Am I always going to be striving for more money to meet another goal?  I sure hope not. I read from Piper recently:


"Godliness with contentment is great gain.  If your godliness has freed you from the desire to be rich and has helped you be content with what you have, then your godliness is tremendously profitable (1 Timothy 4:8). Godliness that overcomes the craving for material wealth produces great spiritual wealth."


This is my prayer recently.  That I would be content and thankful, not craving for more.  And right now, I am SO thankful that our debt is done.  It's really freeing, and I'm working on trying to rest in that :)

Why God Delays

There are multiple times throughout my week when I ask God why it seems like He is delaying on ....

answering a friend's prayer request about cancer, or their job situation, or their desire to start a family, or find a spouse...or answering our prayer requests regarding ministry, jobs, future, paying off debt ....

So, that's why when I passed through these old sermon notes titled "Why God Delays," they caught my eye.  Pastor James says that:

Before deliverance,

circumstances must deteriorate 

(for a greater victory) 

When we say that everything about our circumstances told us it was not going to happen, yet it happens, there isn't a question of where it came from.  God gets all the glory.

Before deliverance,

doubts must cease 

(for greater confidence)

Our doubts have to be torn down so we trust 100% in God.  There is no question who our hope is in.

Before deliverance 

truth must prevail 

(for a greater awareness) 

Deliverance delays so that our depravity and sinfulness can be displayed (for us to see!).

We ask for one more night with our sin... with our bitterness... with our addition... one more night desiring something we shouldn't, and we realize that one more night didn't satisfy.  We become aware of whose help we need.

Before deliverance 

hearts must surrender 

(for a greater finality)

We come to a point where we tell God we're done trying.  He is in control and we are not.  

It's a good and much better place to be.

Unexpected Encounter

More and more these days I am seeing evidence of God's grace in my life.  While to some people these encounters may seem small, to me they are much needed reminders that God is still working.  He still has a plan for us even though we can't see it.  He is still leading us even though the path isn't clear cut.  He hasn't left us.

Last night we spent some time with a couple who is in a similar place that we are... just 7 years down the road.  This couple has held tightly to God through a long period of waiting and I couldn't help but feel so encouraged by them as they shared their journey.

No matter how long we have to wait on anything in our future- jobs, homes, school, debt, kids- I desperately hope that we would cling to God and that He would change us.  On a small scale we are starting to enter a season of waiting, and my prayer is that it would not be spent in vain, but would be a time where we grow closer to God, and experience Him more deeply, and bring glory to Him in the process.

As you know, I'm not good at being still.  Waiting well is a continual learning process for me.  Just yesterday I found myself being enticed by ideas for our future- ideas that only seemed enticing for financial reasons, not God reasons.

That's why meeting with this couple last night was a divine appointment. They showed Dan and I what it looks like to wait well.  They have every reason to look at some situations in their life and be down right angry.  But, instead of forging ahead on their own and creating something that isn't meant to be, they are waiting.  They are diligently following the call that God has showed them.

And you know what?  Even though they're not seeing the fruits of their labor, Dan and I are.  They are blessing Dan and I without even knowing it.  Everything they are hoping and praying for is in limbo, but God is still using them now.... while they are waiting.  

That was *so* important for me to see.

Last night was just what I needed. I'm so thankful for how God uses the body of Christ to comfort, teach, and minister to us.

Stilllll Waiting...

I know what some of you may be thinking.  Enough already with the waiting thoughts.  I know, I know.  But just bear with me for one more post.  Then, I'll stop.  I promise. For now :)

As I meditated more on Psalm 27: 13-14, I was overwhelmed by how deeply God knows my heart and the difficulties that come with waiting.

Let me remind you of what Psalm 27:13-14 says (NIV): 

Psalm 27:13-14

 ¹³ I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD. 

Not only does God want us to put our hope, assurance, and confidence in the fact that He will show His goodness to us here on earth, He also makes it clear that at times we will have to wait for it.

Here are a couple definitions I found of waiting: 

• remain inactive
• not taking any steps forward
• be in expectation
• ready to hear

What I love most about this passage is what comes next: "be strong and take heart."

Being strong requires mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual strength.  It means being brave, bold, unwavering, firm, and secure.

Take heart is a saying that means: Be confident, be brave, have a sense of courage, be hopeful, take comfort, be encouraged.

Why is this my favorite part?  Because God realizes that waiting is hard.  It's like He's saying, "I'm asking you to wait, but I'm not asking you to do it alone, I know what you will need for this.  I know you will need strength and that you will need to take heart."  God knows that waiting isn't easy.  He knows we're not patient, waiting people.  We're controlling people who like to take matters into our own hands.

When I've been waiting for my food too long at a restaurant, I get cranky.  When someone has to make a call on an item while I'm waiting at the check out line at the grocery store, I (furiously) make my way to another lane.  I feel like women especially find waiting difficult.  Welcome to my relationship with Dan- I was (desperately) waiting for him to ask me out 8 years (eek!) ago, then I was waiting for him to ask me to be his girlfriend (oh wait, I brought that one up- so that doesn't count as waiting, right?), then I was waiting for him to ask me to marry him.  Ugh.  I hate waiting.

But, what I see in this passage is that I'm not supposed to wait without hope.  We wait with confidence that we will see the goodness of the Lord.  It may not be the goodness we expected, but why would I want to see the goodness that I expected anyway?  God's goodness is way much better.

So, I am so thankful to serve a God who not only understands my needs, but gives me the truth I need to wait on Him.

PS: this quote gives great insight on how waiting is not done in vain (the topic seems to be popping up in my life everywhere) reading it comes highly recommended :)

Have a lovely weekend :)

The future & waiting

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 

 James 4:13-16

For the revelation awaits an appointed time...though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. 
Habakkuk 2:3 
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. 
Psalm 27:13-14

When a verse about the future "happens" to show up in my life twice in a week, and I just "happen" to be praying/ thinking/ stressing out about my future, I tend to take that as my cue that I better listen.  

Not only that... since reading that verse, two others about waiting (from Habakkuk and the Psalms) showed up in my Bible study this week.  I have been SO encouraged by the Lord  during this "period of waiting."

I started thinking about why I so badly wanted to know where we would be in a year, (or two... or three) and what direction we should go.  I never thought of my anxiousness as prideful, but this verse in James hit it on the nail for me.  I'm so worried about our future and where we're headed that not only do I miss out on the "now," but I find myself coveting the desire to appear like we have a plan- like my friends in med school or those in business that have careers with a pretty clear set of plans lined up for them.  I like that (false) sense of security of knowing the direction we are going.  

Sometimes I feel like that insecure 18 year old all over again getting asked what I want to do with my life as I go off to college.  Thankfully, James in this passage reminds me that even if I think I have a plan, we're not in control of our future and who am I to even say that I'll be here in a year?  Obviously, that doesn't mean we shouldn't plan anything for fear that tomorrow won't come, but I've realized the kind of plan I am looking for is definite.  I want to know exactly where we are headed and don't want anything to get in the way. 

Let's just say it's really difficult for me to dive into the unknown or hold my plans with an open hand.  I don't like surprises... ask Dan.  

And you know what?  The other day I was with some friends I hadn't seen in a while and they asked me how Dan and I were doing and what the next couple years brought for us, and it actually felt pretty good to just simply say "I'm not sure.  I genuinely have no idea what our next step is."

But, I'm ok with that.  Right now I'm relaxing in God's timing and enjoying the gift of today, knowing that He will direct us as long as we stay close to him (Habakkuk 2:3).  I'm trying to learn to enjoy "the now" and all the wonderful things that entails and be thankful.

You know what's even more convicting? Most of the verses that pertain to waiting in the Bible are meant to be an encouragement when people are in a really difficult situation.  I get impatient with waiting and we're not even going through a trial- we've actually experienced the opposite- lots of blessings this past year!   

So, I've finally started to learn something about the future.  That I will in fact, never know the specifics of my future.  So, while we have dreams and goals and hopes, we ultimately surrender them to God, wait for Him, and hold on for the ride. 

Pretty profound, right?  I have a feeling that this waiting is going to be easier "said" than "done."

PS: We're headed to Ohio/ Pennsylvania this weekend to go to a wedding and visit some family.  Hope you have a lovely weekend and happy fourth!

Build - Pray - Wait

I can tell right away when I haven't been spending time with God.  I'm pretty sure Dan is the first to notice, but my attitude drastically changes, proving once again that I can't afford to not be praying and in the Word every.... single.....day.  It can only take a day away from those things for the "symptoms" to kick in, and they're different for everyone.  It kind of scares me to tell you what my "symptoms" are because they're pretty ugly and I don't want to admit that I struggle with these things, but I do.  And I've seen them all played out in my life this past week.  Here goes nothing: 

1. Focus too much on appearance.  I constantly compare myself to other people- body image, hair, make up, clothes.  Things I cared way too much about in high school become my focus.  The occasional purchase of an outfit or new lip gloss is not in itself awful, but when I care more about what people think of my outfit that my character, I know I've got some rearranging to do.  
2. Selfishness.  Everything is about me.  Every conversation I have focuses on me, everything I do focuses on me and how I can make my day easier, getting my to do list done.
3. Annoyed.  My servant heart completely goes out the window.  Making lunches becomes suuuch a pain.  Every chore I do gets done with a bitter spirit.  Anything that gets in the way of my plan for the night, day, morning, etc, becomes an annoyance.  I may not show it, but I'm definitely thinking it.
4. Attitude while driving.  Ok, I know I've talked about this before, but seriously it can get ugly.

Ugh.  That list is awful.  But, I can't just stop there because it's not a place I want to stay.  Today I listened to a CJ Mahaney sermon about staying in the love of God.  He talks about how people come into his office saying their heart is dull toward God, they have a depleted soul, and they can't seem to figure it out.  He goes on to ask them these three questions:

1. Are you building your faith/ preaching the gospel to yourself daily?
2. Are you praying? 
3. Are you living in anticipation of heaven- waiting for that day? 

They're not that complicated and pretty simple guidelines, but they make a HUGE difference.

If you've ever found yourself in such a place, this is a very convicting and refreshing sermon to listen to.  

Keep Yourself in the Love of God from Sovereign Grace Ministries on Vimeo.

Enjoying the Journey

So can I just start off by saying that Dan is so extremely patient with me?  Last week when we were discussing the move, we realized we wouldn't be able to fit the dining room set that my parents gave us (without rearranging them) in our new apt.  So, I had the fabulous idea of staining them and adding new hardware to transform one into a bookshelf and another into a stand for our TV.  Note: I have NEVER painted or done anything like this before in my life. 

After a quick call to my parents, we were on our way to Lowe's to get the supplies needed.  Let's just say this probably would not have been Dan's first choice of how he wanted to spend his weekend (and Monday night and most likely tonight for that matter), but he did it for me.  He is just so sweet :)  BUT, we're not quite done yet- we ran into some issues last night and need to borrow a smaller drill.  Hopefully it will be done soon and I can show you what we did!!  I'm SO excited!

On another note, all this moving stuff has got me thinking about these past (almost) 3 years or our marriage.  It definitely hasn't been what we thought it would be.  Chicago for us was a short stop on the way to the rest of our life.  I'm pretty sure I always viewed it that way until this past summer, when after having to purchase 2 cars, our goal of heading into ministry was pushed back a couple years.  I realized I've been so focused on the destination that I haven't been very good at "celebrating the journey."  Here are some "destinations" that I have found myself focused on:

• When we are in full time ministry then God will really start to use us.
• When I graduate from TEDS then I'll be prepared to disciple, lead, and encourage other women.
• When we own a home then I can be more hospitable because we will have more space. And to be perfectly honest- I do think that having a home will magically make me a happier person :)
• When we are finished paying off our college loans then we will really experience freedom in our finances.
• When we have kids then I will really feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

In reality, my "when's" may never happen and if I'm so focused on my destination, I'll never learn from my experiences getting there.  I'll always be wanting more.  I'll never be satisfied.  I'll waste my whole life dreaming of the day when things will be different and never learn to be content in where God has me.

So, right now I am slowly learning to see the steps getting to ministry and the steps to paying off our debt as just as important as having the debt paid off or being in ministry.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18