Back Injuries and other musings

So I threw my back out.  Can I just say I've never had any back problems ever in my life.  I know people who have gotten injured in sports or had back issues from running or had chronic pain in their foot.  Or something like that.  But I've never experienced anything like this before.  And all I can say is that this is one of the most humbling experiences for me.  And I also have a totally new appreciation for people suffering from back pain.  

I literally just stood up from a chair.  I did stand up a little awkward.  I was holding my abnormally large 4 month old and straddling a glider foot rest in our church's nursing room when I felt it.  Like someone took a knife to my lower back.  Seriously praise the Lord I had my phone in my hand because I couldn't move from that chair and I don't know how I would have moved while holding Cole.  I think part of me just hoped that after laying in that glider awkwardly for a couple minutes I would feel better, but I knew that the unstoppable tears flowing down my face after grabbing Dan's hand in an attempt to stand meant this pain wasn't going to go away quickly.  And it hasn't.  Here we are, Thursday.  Day 4 of laying in my bed.  I'm so thankful for an awesome husband who has been doing way more than he bargained for this week, and my super helpful mom and dad who let my mom come to stay with us for the week because I just don't know how else we would be surviving over here. 

However, all this laying in bed has given me time to catch up on emails, photography, adoption, and many other things that I don't have time to do with a toddler and baby during the day!  Somewhere around Tuesday I decided that if I was going to be bed ridden for a couple days I might as well make the best of it.  So, here we are. 

And somewhere around this time of the year God always slows me down.  Somewhere around Good Friday He stops me in my tracks and He has me remember.  (even though I wish it didn't happen like this ;) ) And His reminder is always much needed for me.  That before Sunday can come, there is Good Friday.  A day that was destined for Jesus long before He was even born.  A day where He takes our sins- my sins- to the cross and is crushed and pierced so that I can be healed and so that I can have peace. 

Just this week I have been following a devotional through SheReadsTruth and they posted one on Wednesday  about what happened in real time the Wednesday before Jesus died that really spoke to me. And it's the story about Mary pouring out expensive perfume when she sees Jesus.  I've totally heard this story a thousand times but it never clicked to me that this happened just days before the crucifixion.  What a beautiful thing for someone to do for Jesus just days before his death.  And while she got a lot of flack for "wasting" the expensive perfume, Jesus justified her action, saying it was beautiful.  

Mary challenges me in so many ways, because I am definitely hard wired more like her sister, Martha.  I am the person who wants to always "do" and be and I like to think pragmatically.  I am the person who would be questioning why Mary is pouring out such expensive perfume when there are tons of poor people who could be fed with that perfume if it was sold.  And Jesus' response is striking to me.  Just like the response he gives the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son- the radical grace that God gives us when we return even when we don't deserve it.  To me it doesn't make sense.  And Mary's actions here to me practically don't make sense.  Yet Jesus is telling the people at the dinner not to think practically, but to realize what is at stake - Jesus is going to die.  And Mary gets that.  She understands what is at stake and her actions show how deeply she understands the sacrifice that Jesus is going to make and Jesus says that her understanding and actions because of that are beautiful and that she will be remembered for generations because of it.

How I want people to remember me for my beauty.  Not the outward beauty because that fades and is so so fleeting.  But for the beautiful acts that I do for people and for Jesus.  Because that is what impacts generations to come.  And beauty is something that we crave in this world and it's something that Jesus created and declared good - just look around in His creation and we can see it everywhere.  And He shares it with us to enjoy- in every new bud that comes up this spring and every sunrise and sunset.  What a gift that we have.  I pray that God would make me more like Mary.  Who can see what is truly important and create beauty where it is needed. 

An encouraging conversation and some strawberry picking

I recently had a conversation with a friend who just kind of blew me away.  She's in her 30's and has already battled cancer- twice. Sitting in my living room, having Spiedie sandwiches (a staple here in Binghamton :)) and onion rings, she shared with me her story. Her story of how after she battled cancer the first time, she invited all of her friends on a weekend getaway and showered them with gifts to thank them for all their support, only to discover weeks before her trip that the cancer was back.

She shared with me some of the conversations she was able to have with her doctors about God.  She talked about the difficulties and her future of unknowns, but what surprised me the most out of everything she said was the ultimate trust she had in God.  She said her first reaction when the doctor said that it was cancer, was OK God, I trust you.  Let's do this. I have trouble trusting God with what I'm going to do in the afternoon with Jake when it's raining outside let alone handing God your life when you get the news that you have cancer and saying, "I trust you, God.  This situation isn't out of your control."

Recently I've been listening to this song during my quiet times, and the lyrics have been such an encouragement to me:

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul.

These past few weeks I've been asking God what He's doing in our lives and where He's taking us and it's easy for me to get caught up in our circumstances instead of simply trusting and being caught up in Him.  The unknown can be hard for a type A planner like me who can't sit still and simply "be."  So, hearing this particular friend open up about her unknowns and the trust she has every time she gets her scans done was just what my little heart needed to hear.

As my friend was leaving all I could say was thank you to her.  I just wanted to thank her for sharing her story with me, and for letting God use her trials for good.  It was such a privilege to hear how God is using her cancer to touch people in ways they probably have never experienced. She reminded me that we all have a story that God wants to use to reach people. As God taught me 4 years ago and apparently is still teaching me, "We are not profound or great, but what God is doing in our lives for His Kingdom is profound and great."

{What I cling to in the waiting}

I wasn't sure if I would ever write a post about this.  It's easy to write about something after it's happened and in the past, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's much harder.  I always told myself I would write this post after we got pregnant.  It's always so much easier that way, isn't it?  But I felt God prompting me to write it now.  So here we are.

We're coming up on the year anniversary of our miscarriage.  And while that was a trial for us in and of itself, the waiting on our next baby has been another trial for us.  Although it's a different trial, I have similar fears.  Fears that people will judge what I call our current season a "trial," because we're still young and have plenty of time to get pregnant.  Fears that people will dismiss this difficult season for me because I already have a beautiful young boy and I should just be thankful for him.  And yes, we are extremely blessed.  Extremely.  I have told many friends that the last thing I want is to look back and see I missed out on such a sweet time where it was just Jake and I because I was too busy worrying and wondering about when we would get pregnant again.  And every single day I pray for that balance.  On the other hand, I don't want to just ignore what God is teaching me during this specific season.  I don't want to tell myself to stop worrying because God is doing something in and through our life right now.  As I look through my journal, these have been the biggest truths I have clung to during this season of waiting for us.  

1. Trials make us more like Him. Knowing that God is conforming me to be more like Jesus through this has been by far the biggest truth I have clung to during this season of my life.  More than anything, God is transforming my heart during this time.  I can't see it, and I don't know what it is, but I know that He is because He tells me over and over again in His Word that our trials are not pointless. (James 1, Romans 5, 1 Peter 1)  This time in our life will not prove to be fruitless.  God always brings me back to this verse in 2 Corinthians 4:16: "For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but are unseen." I know I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I still absolutely love this song and what Piper says in the middle of it about our affliction and trails: "Don't say it's meaningless, it's not.  It's working for you an eternal weight of glory, therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths, and day by day, focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning.  Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."
2. God is the ultimate creator and author of life.  More than ever in this season He has taught me that He is the creator and author of life.  Yes, I "knew" that before, but I didn't really know that.  When I went in for my annual OB appointment in January the doctors said that everything looks perfect.  My cycle is very regular.  My body is functioning normal.  And while part of me wanted them to find something wrong so they could just give me this magic medicine and we would get pregnant the next month, the fact that they didn't reinforced for me that God is in control.  God sees our future family.  He sees how far apart each of our kids will be.  He sees if we will even have another child.  And relinquishing that control to God has honestly been hard for me.  I naturally assumed we would have kids that were close in age, 2 years apart max.  I had a vision for what our family would look like and I have slowly shifted from changing my plan, to now giving up that plan completely to God. 
3. Can I truly believe God is good when He's withholding this desire from me? Ann Voskamp once asked if we can truly believe the verse Psalm 84 where it says, "And He (God) withholds no good thing from us" when we live in such a fallen world.  In response she pointed out that the good things in life are not so much health but holiness, and not so much riches of this world but relationship with God, and not so much our plans but His presence, and He withholds no good thing from us because the greatest things aren't ever things." Amen.  While babies are gifts from God and ultimately good, He hasn't withheld the greatest thing from me, His son and His presence.  This is what I cling to when I find myself questioning God's goodness.
4. Reforming my end goal during this season of waiting.  A Cru staff member wrote such a great post on waiting well.  Lindsay says, "I have seen the Lord honor my prayer that He would teach me to wait well, to not focus on the event of what I'm waiting for, but what He's doing on the journey."  God has done so much in my life this past year and I hope that when or if we do get pregnant again, my response isn't "Finally, Lord!  It took you long enough!" But that I would say as Lindsay says in Isaiah 25 "This is the Lord, and I have waited for Him."  I want to wait on God, not on another baby. 
5. Not becoming obsessive and rejoicing with others when they do get pregnant.  You just need to google "TTC" (trying to conceive :) ) and you will find hundreds of forums where women are completely obsessed with getting pregnant.  You can also find even more tips on how to get pregnant and what you're doing wrong as you're trying.  Seriously, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about why you didn't get pregnant the previous month.  Which then can lead to bitterness when others do become pregnant.  I've said it over and over again.  Nothing is too difficult for God (Jeremiah 32).  If He truly wanted Dan and I to be pregnant, we would be.  God is in control, and that truth helps me to not become obsessive. 

I hope that someone out there is blessed by the things God is teaching me.  I haven't waited perfectly during this past year, but God is working on my heart.  I pray that He uses this post to encourage someone who is also in a season of waiting just like I am.  

I'm a GUEST blogger :)

Guys, I have some exciting news to share.  I am guest blogging today at one of my friend's blogs!  So cool, right? 

My friend Rachael is putting together a series on her blog where she asks women to share about a trial that the Lord has brought them through.  The theme is: "In times of Trial, God is my ... "  I'm sharing about our miscarriage, and although I've said a lot about it on my blog here, I would encourage you to visit her blog purely to hear her story.  Rachael has gone through a season of infertility and now adoption and the grace and trust she has shown through their trial is something that can only come from the Lord.  Her and her husband started a church plant near New York city, but I met her when I worked at Trinity and I am so thankful to have gotten to know her during our time in Chicago. 

I am sincerely humbled that she asked me to share my story.  I hope you are encouraged by Rachael's journey and I can't wait to hear stories from the other women she has asked to be apart of the series!

Oh, and Happy Halloween!  Just like every other mom I will be posting pictures of Jake and his superman costume soon :)

The Due Date.

via

 

October 20th.  Back in April, the world I was envisioning at this moment looked very different.  Jake was welcoming a little brother or sister and I was re-learning how to nurse, swaddle, live on only 3 hours of continuous sleep, and then also adjusting to being a mom of two young kids.  But, the reality is that we're not there.  We are still a family of 3.  

My discipler from college this past weekend asked me how I was doing, and although this is only by the grace of God, I was able to say that I am actually thankful for what God has brought us through.  Do I wish I was holding our second baby in my arms today?  Of course.  But God has shown me that if I am willing and if I let him, He can use some of the most difficult seasons in my life for good.  You know that verse about God being close to the brokenhearted?  I really can attest that it is true.  I've never felt as sad, hopeless, anxious, and confused as I did after I found out we lost our baby.  But, I've also never experienced God in this way before.  He has revealed to me areas of my heart that needed to be worked on, but He has also drawn me closer to Him.

Now.  Can I be really honest with you?

I thought for sure by now I would be pregnant again.

 

Even up until this past month I remember envisioning what a sweet story it would be if I found out I was pregnant right before our baby's due date.  But I'm not.  It didn't happen.  And I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to let that soak in.  I don't think I realized it until this past week, but there was a part of me that was hoping I would be pregnant before October 20th because I thought that would make it easier to process my miscarriage. 

However, That was my story that I was writing.  That wasn't God's story.  And if there is anything I've learned during this past year, it is that I don't want my story, I want God's story for my life.

Kids are a gift.  A gift is given willingly to someone without payment.  I kind of have a history of wanting gifts before it's time. When Dan and I started talking about getting engaged and doing "pre- pre marital counseling" (yes we did that) I started to get just a tad impatient.  It was hard for me to not constantly imagine how Dan would pop the question.  Every date we went on led me to thoughts of "I wonder if this is the moment Dan is going to get down on one knee."  And unfortunately, if it wasn't, there was always a part of me that was sad.  The poor guy.  All Dan wanted to do was surprise me and I was pushing him to give me "his gift" before his timing.  And in the end, Dan's proposal and timing was so much better than I had even imagined.

With that being said, I'm learning how to "wait well."  If God decides to bless us with another child, He will.  Until then I am working on what it looks like to walk with God in this moment.  Just last week I heard a great message about sowing seeds and I've been asking God recently what kinds of "seeds" He wants me to sow  today.. as a mom of one baby toddler boy :)  He truly is teaching me about contentment in this particular season of my life.  So that is my prayer.  That I would honor and glorify God in this time of waiting.  Not where I hope to be, but right here, right now.  It's a process but I'm clinging to the promise that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion.  

Phone Updates Round 2

Happy Friday :)  This is the end of the phone pictures... for now...

Jake doing tummy time with his friend Claire.  Let's just say about 30 seconds later they were both crying. Maybe we pushed them too far?!

Passed out from tummy time :)

Hanging out at Sara's house! Lucy loved playing with Jake and Claire.  Jake needs to lighten up a bit.. he always looks so serious! On another note.. I'm digging Claire's adorable capris.

Jake loves bun bun :)

:)

He loves baths!

So glad there was a chilly day so I could put him in this outfit!  At the rate this kid is growing.. he definitey won't fit into it in a month!

Bun bun tends to slowly...

overtake Jake lol

Woo hoo got my "official" degree in the mail!

My sweet sister in law picked up this onesie from Switzerland! It says cuddle bear :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Lately...

This is what I've been looking at lately:

I have really wanted to make these.  Every time we go to Marianos (our grocery store) they are making them and I get the biggest craving EVER.  This looked like a good recipe.

ummmm how awful would this be if this happened on your wedding day!?  Most brides are just worried about rain...

I love these decorations and the other ones on her site.

How professional and good to these look?  And there's instructions on how to make them :)

Yay for more hair tutorials!

This short description of Heroes Vs. Celebrities was a very good reminder for me seeking to go into ministry. With the large churches we have popping up everywhere, the temptation is HUGE to lean in one direction.

Good quote by Tim Keller on this blog for those who struggle with people pleasing.

Great insight on not wasting the trial you might be enduring.

I DESPERATELY need to read this book. And take notes. Lots of notes.

This has been SO addicting lately.

Lastly, I have all the ingredients to make this.. I just need to sit down and DO IT.

A prayer for 9-11

Everyone has a story about where they were when it happened, but I can't seem to get out of my mind all the phone calls that were made to loved ones for the last time, the people who heroically stood up on flight 93 and took down the plane, and the families who still carry with them the weight of that day 10 years later. 

I know this is late, but I recently read  this prayer and thought it was such still very appropriate even though the 10 year anniversary of 9-11 has passed.