Yesterday on my run I started thinking back to life before Jake. Before I pushed this heavy stroller in front of me along this new trail near our home. Before I ordered my life around his naps. Before I found such joy in his sweet giggles that burst out when I sing "Patty Cake" to him. When it was just Dan and I.
I remembered what it was like to be 9 months pregnant. Desperately trying to finish a Masters degree without simply going through the motions. I was leading two Bible studies. Working full time. Planning for the arrival of this bundle of joy with such uncertainty. I was worried if I stopped and thought about everything on my plate I might break down. I might throw myself a pity party. So I stayed busy. This is normally how I cope. Staying busy and dreaming about the day when I'm not busy and can finish my to do list. For me, I thought that would be when I was a stay at home mom.
It has taken me just shy of 5 months to realize that being a stay at home mom brings on its own challenges. While by the world's standards my calendar isn't full, there are still things to get done. Yesterday was one of those days where I just couldn't seem to get my to do list done. I missed a doctors appointment .. and I'm still not sure why. Jake kept crying every time I tried to run the vacuum cleaner. And when the floors finally were clean, bringing in the groceries also brought with it dirt and leaves.
Ann Voskamp in her blog "Holy Experience"
says something similar:
"I know I can’t get the laundry caught up this week and I know I can’t make deadlines. I know the bedrooms I tidied through last night will be dumped out by nightfall, the sink I left empty last night will be piled high by noon, the floors I washed yesterday will be tracked dirty by supper. I will definitely lose today, tomorrow, all week. I roll over, smother my face in the pillow ...."
She also said something that hit right to my heart:
"the state of my space doesn’t reflect the state of my soul."
More than I would like to admit I find my hope, purpose, and satisfaction for the day in drawing that little line through words like "run," "laundry," and "empty dishwasher." I find my value in my day based off of my small to do list. It's taken me until now to realize that hope is fleeting. Even if (and that is a big if) I accomplish all I wanted to that day, the next day there is a new list awaiting with some things I need to redo from the day before.
So here I am. Basically living a completely different life than I was 5 months ago and to some extent my "5 months ago self" was right. I'm not writing papers and running around outside the home as much as I was. At times I do have more time to clean and finish tasks that I couldn't finish before because I was so busy outside the home. However if I could tell my "5 months ago self" it would be this: each season brings on new joys and challenges. What I thought would make me happy won't. What I thought would frustrate me in fact doesn't.
Yesterday I spent some time in Luke 10 where Martha is distracted and anxious with much serving and misses completely what is necessary: sitting at the feet of Jesus. How I've heard this story over and over again and it gets me every time. I love how Martha assumes Jesus cares about all the things she is running around doing when in fact he would rather her sit with Him. Obviously there are dinners that need to be made, cleaning that needs to be done, and work I have to do. It is unrealistic to think I can tell people I am "sitting at the feet of Jesus" all day by reading my Bible. But what I think the point of this passage hits at is
discernment. It is not every day that Jesus is in your home. That particular day cleaning could wait.
What are things that distract me and make me anxious when in fact there is something more important I could be doing?
This requires me to not just go through the motions. To prayerfully consider how God wants me to spend my day. To let go of my to do list... My plan for the day.. My expectations... And ask to be used however God wants me to. This means my hope is not in accomplishing a tangible list but in living a life where I am surrendered daily to doing Christ's will. This is not easy for me. I would MUCH rather create a list and go at it. It's safe and easy. However God wants to use me to accomplish abundantly more than what I can imagine. If I bind myself to my to do list I won't ever experience that. And that is where true joy comes from. I want to experience that joy.
This week I am going to work at not being bound to a to do list. I am going to live dangerously and ask to be used in ways I couldn't imagine. Some of you may laugh at this request.. But for this type A girl that is a scary thing. But I know that is where true joy and purpose is found ... And that I desire. Here goes nothing.
