{What I cling to in the waiting}

I wasn't sure if I would ever write a post about this.  It's easy to write about something after it's happened and in the past, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's much harder.  I always told myself I would write this post after we got pregnant.  It's always so much easier that way, isn't it?  But I felt God prompting me to write it now.  So here we are.

We're coming up on the year anniversary of our miscarriage.  And while that was a trial for us in and of itself, the waiting on our next baby has been another trial for us.  Although it's a different trial, I have similar fears.  Fears that people will judge what I call our current season a "trial," because we're still young and have plenty of time to get pregnant.  Fears that people will dismiss this difficult season for me because I already have a beautiful young boy and I should just be thankful for him.  And yes, we are extremely blessed.  Extremely.  I have told many friends that the last thing I want is to look back and see I missed out on such a sweet time where it was just Jake and I because I was too busy worrying and wondering about when we would get pregnant again.  And every single day I pray for that balance.  On the other hand, I don't want to just ignore what God is teaching me during this specific season.  I don't want to tell myself to stop worrying because God is doing something in and through our life right now.  As I look through my journal, these have been the biggest truths I have clung to during this season of waiting for us.  

1. Trials make us more like Him. Knowing that God is conforming me to be more like Jesus through this has been by far the biggest truth I have clung to during this season of my life.  More than anything, God is transforming my heart during this time.  I can't see it, and I don't know what it is, but I know that He is because He tells me over and over again in His Word that our trials are not pointless. (James 1, Romans 5, 1 Peter 1)  This time in our life will not prove to be fruitless.  God always brings me back to this verse in 2 Corinthians 4:16: "For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but are unseen." I know I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I still absolutely love this song and what Piper says in the middle of it about our affliction and trails: "Don't say it's meaningless, it's not.  It's working for you an eternal weight of glory, therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths, and day by day, focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning.  Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."
2. God is the ultimate creator and author of life.  More than ever in this season He has taught me that He is the creator and author of life.  Yes, I "knew" that before, but I didn't really know that.  When I went in for my annual OB appointment in January the doctors said that everything looks perfect.  My cycle is very regular.  My body is functioning normal.  And while part of me wanted them to find something wrong so they could just give me this magic medicine and we would get pregnant the next month, the fact that they didn't reinforced for me that God is in control.  God sees our future family.  He sees how far apart each of our kids will be.  He sees if we will even have another child.  And relinquishing that control to God has honestly been hard for me.  I naturally assumed we would have kids that were close in age, 2 years apart max.  I had a vision for what our family would look like and I have slowly shifted from changing my plan, to now giving up that plan completely to God. 
3. Can I truly believe God is good when He's withholding this desire from me? Ann Voskamp once asked if we can truly believe the verse Psalm 84 where it says, "And He (God) withholds no good thing from us" when we live in such a fallen world.  In response she pointed out that the good things in life are not so much health but holiness, and not so much riches of this world but relationship with God, and not so much our plans but His presence, and He withholds no good thing from us because the greatest things aren't ever things." Amen.  While babies are gifts from God and ultimately good, He hasn't withheld the greatest thing from me, His son and His presence.  This is what I cling to when I find myself questioning God's goodness.
4. Reforming my end goal during this season of waiting.  A Cru staff member wrote such a great post on waiting well.  Lindsay says, "I have seen the Lord honor my prayer that He would teach me to wait well, to not focus on the event of what I'm waiting for, but what He's doing on the journey."  God has done so much in my life this past year and I hope that when or if we do get pregnant again, my response isn't "Finally, Lord!  It took you long enough!" But that I would say as Lindsay says in Isaiah 25 "This is the Lord, and I have waited for Him."  I want to wait on God, not on another baby. 
5. Not becoming obsessive and rejoicing with others when they do get pregnant.  You just need to google "TTC" (trying to conceive :) ) and you will find hundreds of forums where women are completely obsessed with getting pregnant.  You can also find even more tips on how to get pregnant and what you're doing wrong as you're trying.  Seriously, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about why you didn't get pregnant the previous month.  Which then can lead to bitterness when others do become pregnant.  I've said it over and over again.  Nothing is too difficult for God (Jeremiah 32).  If He truly wanted Dan and I to be pregnant, we would be.  God is in control, and that truth helps me to not become obsessive. 

I hope that someone out there is blessed by the things God is teaching me.  I haven't waited perfectly during this past year, but God is working on my heart.  I pray that He uses this post to encourage someone who is also in a season of waiting just like I am.