Adoption updates and some Fall + Trick or Treating photos

No one was joking when they said that the adoption process is a marathon and not a sprint.  And they also weren't lying when they said to prepare for many changes along the way.  When we started this journey (over a year ago! It's crazy for me to even think about that!) I *knew* this, but didn't really *know* it until now.  And I am sure families who are on their second or third year of waiting would say we still don't really know what waiting looks like!  

We always knew there could be a chance that we would move during the adoption process and need to update the home study, we just didn't realize until we actually moved what that would all entail.  My goal was to update the home study before the baby was born, but we quickly realized that we would need to update it again after the baby was born so it just made sense to wait.  However, as we reached out to agencies to assess pricing, we have realized that most agency's won't let you update until 3 to 6 months after your baby is born.  Dan and I spent a lot of time discussing which agency to go with, and while we wanted to go with the agencies that allow us to update within 3 months, they were more expensive (almost $5,000 to update - insert wide eyed emoji face here).  This has been another thing we have run into- the cost.  As I said before, we knew there was a possibility that we could move so we asked many different agencies how this could affect our home study when we started this process a year ago.  Most said we would just need to update it, costing most likely under $2,000, however, we are realizing that unfortunately with Illinois you cannot just update your home study, you need to complete a whole new study so it is costing more money than anticipating.  

We totally 100% trust in the Lord to provide, it's just a bummer to spend $3,500 to update something you've already completed.  With that being said, we have chosen an agency to complete our home study within 6 months because they are the most cost effective.  Our goal is to have most of the paperwork done so when we hit the 6 month mark we can move quickly through the home study process and then start to finish the dossier which is the international paperwork being sent to Ethiopia. 

Another reason we felt that waiting 6 months wouldn't affect our adoption process too much is that unfortunately, as I've mentioned before, the adoption process has slowed down quite a bit in Ethiopia - which is so sad to hear because there are so many sweet kids waiting to be adopted but there's nothing that can be done about it.  Right now families are seeing a long wait time and also seeing an extended period of time between when they receive the referral and when they actually go to meet their kiddo for the first time.  

So, if anyone is wondering why it's been quiet on the adoption front for us it's because we are just in an extended waiting period!  It's unfortunate, and we wish that we could always be sharing fun, exciting news about our adoption, however we are learning more and more that this is the reality of adoption.  And we have learned a lot about waiting in the past, but even though it's not new to us, it's still hard to have to wait when you are so excited about something and know that there is a child out there waiting to join your family. 

So if you could continue to pray for our future child and our family during this waiting season we would so appreciate it!  We know that God has a plan and is still in control even when we can't see the future.  Even though it's hard, we are growing in what it looks like to trust in Him and His timing. 

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;

it hastens to the end- it will not lie. 

If it seems slow, wait for it; 

it will surely come; it will not delay."

Habakkuk 2:3

"When I wait, you strengthen my heart."

Psalm 27:14

"I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait." C.S. Lewis

Our sweet friends threw us a sprinkle for our baby due in a couple weeks!

Plan C: The Unexpected

So remember when I wrote about Plan A and Plan B?  Well, here comes Plan C.  We're pregnant.  Yes, after almost two years of trying, seeking God as He led us to pursue adoption, He shocked us with a positive pregnancy test.  Even now it's hard for me to find words to express our emotions.  I've told some friends that while I am thrilled that God not only is blessing us with an adopted child (yes we are still adopting :)  More on that below) but another child through birth, my heart still breaks for my sweet friends who have reached out to me sharing their stories of how they have been trying to start a family for years now with no such ending as ours.  And while I know that times like these deserve a celebration because if any of my friends who had been trying for a while shared such news with me I would be thrilled, I know that sometimes another pregnancy post can be hard to hear when you are in the waiting.

As I have been reading through my journals over the past two years, I can truly say looking back that I wouldn't change anything- and I pray that as an encouragement to some of you.  God has taught me so so much and I trust Him more having experienced the waiting that we did.  I can honestly say that although I am SO grateful for this growing baby inside of me, I am even more grateful for the new joy and hope that I have in Him that I wouldn't have had before our season of waiting.  So to those of you who are struggling through a season of infertility, please know I am still praying for you.  Not only that God gives you a little baby- whether it be by birth or through adoption, but also that God deepens your faith in Him- that you lean into Him even when you don't understand His timing, and that God will show you that hoping in Him and His timing is better than anything you had planned:  "I am still confident I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord, be strong, and take heart, and wait on the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

Adoption updates:

Yes, we are definitely, 100% still planning on adopting.  We are very excited to adopt and feel strongly that God called us to start the adoption process when we did, even though we are pregnant now!  This new baby is obviously no surprise to Him.  And one of the many reasons we chose the agency that we did is because they don't stop the process when you are pregnant, because we knew that could always be a possibility.  The biggest waiting we are doing right now is to update our home study.  Since we moved, that needs to be updated, and after that we can finish our Dossier (which we were almost done with before we moved) and hopefully get on the waiting list as soon as possible!  Lifeline does have a policy that our youngest child needs to be at least 6 months for us to accept a referral- and because the wait times have increased in Ethiopia, the likelihood of us even receiving a referral before this baby is 6 months is very unlikely. So for our situation, the timing of this baby won't affect our wait times at all.  However, we are continuing to pray for Ethiopia and the increased wait times because there are so many families who are ready to accept a child and have been for months and years now!  If you could join us in praying for Ethiopia we would SO greatly appreciate it :)

So, as we enter a season of pregnancy, adoption, and a new job, I can't hep but read this verse and hold it ever so tightly:

"When God brings you into a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant- then when you eat and you are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery." Deuteronomy 6:10-12

This is where God has us.  After a difficult season He has brought us to a place of abundance.  We know that this too is a season, but I know how easy it can be for me in the "high" seasons of life to easily forget all that God has done for me and where He has taken us.  So our prayer is that we would honor Him and give Him glory during this time in our lives.  I love Mary's song of praise which I find being mine these days: "He who is mighty has done great things for me!" Luke 1:49  

We have arrived... in our temporary home.

There's a lot of things about transition that can be hard. Saying goodbye is never easy.  Packing and cleaning can be downright exhausting.  Trying to help a toddler adjust to the idea of a temporary home can be confusing.  And there is an endless list of doctors to call, internet to change, insurance to update, etc.  Thankfully, we are moving to a place where there are plenty of familiar faces.  There have been groceries dropped off at our home, old restaurants we have been excited to try, and friends to catch up with.  And for all of those things, we are so so grateful.

The hardest challenge thus far has been waiting.  Until our home sells in New York we are kind of at a stand still as to how to move forward with our lives here.  The type A list person in me wants to move into a home here asap.  Especially since we need to update our home study for our adoption, we can't do that until we have an actual home to update!  And, it can be hard when you see homes that you like quickly slip off the market.

But as always, God has shown me that waiting is going to be apart of my life.  Whether it's waiting for a baby, waiting for an adoption, waiting for a new job, waiting for a home.  Waiting is always the same.  It involves trusting that God has already gone before me and is making a way.  That he sees our future home.  He sees our future neighbors.  He sees the future family that is going to live in our home in NY.  And the challenge for me is always sitting in that unwritten story and finding comfort in this space that I'm in.  And not just being ok in the waiting, but trusting that God even has a plan for us while we're in this temporary housing.  That He may want to use us and grow us in ways that He couldn't if we were in our future home.

And so we wait.  In the next couple months we will settle into this temporary place and see what God has in store for us here.  And I will need to fight back the "what if's" and my typical controlling tendencies.

So we will get back into the new normal here soon.  I'm excited to dive back into my daily photos (I know lame, but for real, I am lol), we will find the parks and libraries and find a new normal.  And I'm excited to keep you updated as I do :)

Here are some pictures from our last couple weeks in New York :)

Living in the "right now"

I know I talk about waiting a whole lot here.  I think it's because I've found during seasons of waiting that I am the most "unproductive."  Honestly waiting can sometimes paralyze me from living the life that I should be living right now, in this moment.  Obviously I've talked about waiting for a baby a  lot, but now it's waiting for our little adopted kiddo.  And for a while it was waiting to move when we were in Chicago- I found it hard to really dive into life there after we got married because I thought for sure we would be moving in a couple years (and then 2 years turned into 5 years...).  You see sometimes I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but because I feel like I am waiting for something, I withhold and don't fully ask God daily how He can use me where I am because I'm so consumed with what's next.

And at the very best time, I read a devo the other day on girltalkhome.com  (it's a blog run by a pastor's wife and her daughters.)  And they had some wonderful things to share relating to this:

"The Christian may walk in darkness, but he need never wander.  Ecclesiastes says, "this is the way, walk in it, be joyful, do good."  Don't live life waiting for something else, do good now.  Remain faithful in what you do know.   Ask, what is the duty of my present circumstances?  Maybe we aren't where we want to be and there is nothing sinful about wanting our present circumstances to change, but we need to seek how we can serve Christ where we are."

And that is the secret of contentment in waiting.  It's the key that stops us from becoming paralyzed - when we do good right where we are, we wake up and discover we are actually living.

And they made a list of potential things we could be doing while we are waiting: showing hospitality, praying, loving kids, loving husband, serving the afflicted, carpooling the neighbors, hosting a family after church, driving a friend to a doctor, washing the sheets, pulling weeds, greeting husband with a smile and kiss. 

Some seem simple, yes.  Yet during seasons of waiting for me, these small, God honoring and servant tasks go out the window because I can become so focused on me and what God is going to do next in my life, instead of making my life about God, and how I can serve and honor Him right now.

I know this sounds small, but for someone like me who can get stuck in a season of waiting it was such a wonderful reminder that God uses us in all seasons of our life.  And really, as I've noticed in my short 29 years of living on this life, we always seem to be waiting for something :)

As always, what's a blog post without pictures?  Here's some from when we took Jake to his first hockey game the other week!

This was our friends little guy, his dad played on the team, hence the jersey :)

high fiving the players after their half time break :)

Songs during a season of Waiting

A couple years ago my heart went out to a fellow Miami alum who lost two of our daughters within hours of being born.  She showed so much courage as she shared her story across social media and walked with God through all the pain, and something that truly touched me was how she made a playlist for each of her daughters.  It got me thinking about how there are particular songs that have really encouraged me through our season of waiting and infertility and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that they will do the same :)

"I want to cultivate a deep sense of 

gratitude

groundedness

enough

even while I'm longing for something more

I'm practicing believing that God 

knows more than I know, 

sees what I can't, 

that He's weaving a future I can't even imagine.

{from where I sit this morning}"

:: Shauna Niequist, Bread and Wine ::

Plan A: Our Story

I can assure you that infertility was not our plan A.  Plan A consisted of Dan and I having babies relatively close together- I think mostly in part because we both grew up with siblings fairly close in age and we really enjoyed that. When we got pregnant faster than we expected the second time, we were surprised but excited- our "Plan A" was going exactly how we imagined.

Then, we had a miscarriage.  And then we tried to get pregnant again.  I didn't worry too much that it was taking us a few months to get pregnant.  It takes lots of people a few months to get pregnant and we had just moved so I was sure God was waiting for the perfect moment.

It didn't really occur to me that Dan and I were considered "infertile" until recently [Even though my doctor's office sent me numerous pamphlets in the mail on the topic :)].  I haven't really talked much about this season of trying for another baby on our blog because it's hard.  It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling and if I was fully and completely honest about it - I just assumed at some point we would get pregnant and this wouldn't really be a season of my life that I share with too many people.  Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's hard to be open about something that at times can just feel lonely and vulnerable.  Especially secondary infertility.  Because you've already had a baby.  So you should be thankful.  And you shouldn't worry about it.

The more people I get to know the more open they are with sharing their stories about infertility and loss, but it's obviously not something people talk about often on social media or Facebook- "Month 15 of trying for our baby!" are not really posts you see.  Naturally, you see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements - which are things that should and need to be celebrated!  We just don't talk about the really hard things in life as often as the good things, so when you go through those hard times, it's easy to feel alone.

Ultimately, I feel led to talk about infertility because it's the story that the Lord is weaving into our lives and I want Him to get glory for what He's doing and pray what I share can encourage someone else through it.

This whole trying for a second baby has been such a long, difficult, wonderful, confusing road for us.  In the beginning I tried not to worry.  I wrote a post here how I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the birth of our what would have been our second child in October of 2013, and although it was sad to me when October 20th passed and we weren't pregnant, I still had high hopes that we would get pregnant soon.

The 9 to 10 month "mark" of trying for baby #2 was hard because our  friends who got pregnant when we first started trying were now having their babies. I can honestly say, only by God's grace, that I wasn't upset at God for giving them babies and not us, I just kept my hope in the fact that we would get pregnant soon.

Somewhere along the lines I stopped counting how much older Jake would be if I got pregnant the upcoming month because it was getting to be exhausting.  While I can honestly say the thoughts of getting pregnant again didn't overtake every moment of my day, it was obviously something that crept into my mind when anyone innocently asked, "So is he your only one?" or says, "Just wait when you have two."  But in those moments, I just kept my hope in the fact that sooner or later, we would get pregnant again.

After trying for a year we decided to have some tests done.  We went back and forth on if we should even do the tests, but in the end, we were thankful that we did because they showed that everything looked relatively normal for two 28 year olds trying to get pregnant for the second time.  Aside from the couple minor thoughts the doctors had as to why we couldn't conceive, there were no blaring red flags telling us we could never conceive on our own again.

After all the tests the doctors recommended doing an IUI.  I can honestly say we were very skeptical.  We knew that our bodies were capable of conceiving so neither of us thought that it would come to this.  So we started praying, researching, and seeking godly counsel.  We went back and forth on what we should do for months.  After all that time, we decided to try the IUI.  At this point we had been trying for over a year and if the "minor issues" that the doctors thought could be getting in the way of us getting pregnant could be prevented through an IUI, we were willing to try it.  We knew that we weren't going to thwart God's plan in any way - He is the creator and author of life with or without an IUI, but He has given wisdom to the doctors to help families in situations like ours.  {I could write a novel about our thoughts on the IUI- if you're interested in knowing more of our thought process just let me know and I'd be happy to talk about it } So we called the doctor and started the process.

And God showed me something big during the month that we planned to have the IUI.  He showed me that my hope had always been in a positive pregnancy test.  Ultimately, anything that we put our hope in other than Him is going to fail us.  Only God gives us true joy and peace, not a positive pregnancy test.

 So even though I was shaking uncontrollably the morning I woke up to take my pregnancy test, God gave me a very strange peace in the fact that it was negative.  Because my hope was no longer in seeing the words positive, my hope was in Him regardless of what that test said.  Don't get me wrong, I would have LOVED for it to say pregnant.  But in that moment I knew that God was doing something more in our lives.  And so from that day on my prayer changed from "Lord, please make me pregnant this month," to "God please help me to accept your wonderful story for our lives."

It never occurred to Dan or I that Jake may be the only full term pregnancy that I have.  We always saved our clothing for our next baby and I talked about my maternity clothes in the casual "next time around I can wear this."  And if I'm honest with you, the hardest part of this journey for me has been dying to my own dreams and expectations of what our family should look like.

Yes, I know very well that Dan and I could get pregnant any month.  I know that we could go on to have 5 more biological children if God so wills.  We don't know why we are in this season of waiting.  However, we do know that He is bigger than anything that is going on in our bodies right now and when/ if he wants us to have another child, we could.  Yet through all this waiting, God has confirmed in me once again, that He is the creator and author of life.  For me to move forward and really trust Him, I needed to surrender any number of future children we could have to Him.

You guys, I could sit here and write what would seem like pages of verses, quotes, and songs that have spoke VOLUMES to me during this season of my life.  And I most likely will write more in the future- because I want you all to see that God can use a season of infertility to grow you in ways you never imagined as He has done with us.  I had to share some of the awesome things God has shown me because this story isn't finished.  Our "Plan A" may not be what we wanted, but He's not done with our story yet and we're excited to share with you in the next couple weeks where He's taking us next.

So, if anyone is struggling with waiting on anything- a baby, a job, getting over a sickness- whatever it is, I pray that these verses and quotes that have spoken SO much to me this past year and a half can do the same for you- even if you haven't gotten what you are "waiting" for.
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*For the past year I have had a "secret" Pinterest board that only had things related to waiting and trials and that is where all of the verses/ quotes came from.  There is a whole lot more here if you'd like to take a look :)

An encouraging conversation and some strawberry picking

I recently had a conversation with a friend who just kind of blew me away.  She's in her 30's and has already battled cancer- twice. Sitting in my living room, having Spiedie sandwiches (a staple here in Binghamton :)) and onion rings, she shared with me her story. Her story of how after she battled cancer the first time, she invited all of her friends on a weekend getaway and showered them with gifts to thank them for all their support, only to discover weeks before her trip that the cancer was back.

She shared with me some of the conversations she was able to have with her doctors about God.  She talked about the difficulties and her future of unknowns, but what surprised me the most out of everything she said was the ultimate trust she had in God.  She said her first reaction when the doctor said that it was cancer, was OK God, I trust you.  Let's do this. I have trouble trusting God with what I'm going to do in the afternoon with Jake when it's raining outside let alone handing God your life when you get the news that you have cancer and saying, "I trust you, God.  This situation isn't out of your control."

Recently I've been listening to this song during my quiet times, and the lyrics have been such an encouragement to me:

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul.

These past few weeks I've been asking God what He's doing in our lives and where He's taking us and it's easy for me to get caught up in our circumstances instead of simply trusting and being caught up in Him.  The unknown can be hard for a type A planner like me who can't sit still and simply "be."  So, hearing this particular friend open up about her unknowns and the trust she has every time she gets her scans done was just what my little heart needed to hear.

As my friend was leaving all I could say was thank you to her.  I just wanted to thank her for sharing her story with me, and for letting God use her trials for good.  It was such a privilege to hear how God is using her cancer to touch people in ways they probably have never experienced. She reminded me that we all have a story that God wants to use to reach people. As God taught me 4 years ago and apparently is still teaching me, "We are not profound or great, but what God is doing in our lives for His Kingdom is profound and great."