Plan A: Our Story

I can assure you that infertility was not our plan A.  Plan A consisted of Dan and I having babies relatively close together- I think mostly in part because we both grew up with siblings fairly close in age and we really enjoyed that. When we got pregnant faster than we expected the second time, we were surprised but excited- our "Plan A" was going exactly how we imagined.

Then, we had a miscarriage.  And then we tried to get pregnant again.  I didn't worry too much that it was taking us a few months to get pregnant.  It takes lots of people a few months to get pregnant and we had just moved so I was sure God was waiting for the perfect moment.

It didn't really occur to me that Dan and I were considered "infertile" until recently [Even though my doctor's office sent me numerous pamphlets in the mail on the topic :)].  I haven't really talked much about this season of trying for another baby on our blog because it's hard.  It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling and if I was fully and completely honest about it - I just assumed at some point we would get pregnant and this wouldn't really be a season of my life that I share with too many people.  Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's hard to be open about something that at times can just feel lonely and vulnerable.  Especially secondary infertility.  Because you've already had a baby.  So you should be thankful.  And you shouldn't worry about it.

The more people I get to know the more open they are with sharing their stories about infertility and loss, but it's obviously not something people talk about often on social media or Facebook- "Month 15 of trying for our baby!" are not really posts you see.  Naturally, you see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements - which are things that should and need to be celebrated!  We just don't talk about the really hard things in life as often as the good things, so when you go through those hard times, it's easy to feel alone.

Ultimately, I feel led to talk about infertility because it's the story that the Lord is weaving into our lives and I want Him to get glory for what He's doing and pray what I share can encourage someone else through it.

This whole trying for a second baby has been such a long, difficult, wonderful, confusing road for us.  In the beginning I tried not to worry.  I wrote a post here how I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the birth of our what would have been our second child in October of 2013, and although it was sad to me when October 20th passed and we weren't pregnant, I still had high hopes that we would get pregnant soon.

The 9 to 10 month "mark" of trying for baby #2 was hard because our  friends who got pregnant when we first started trying were now having their babies. I can honestly say, only by God's grace, that I wasn't upset at God for giving them babies and not us, I just kept my hope in the fact that we would get pregnant soon.

Somewhere along the lines I stopped counting how much older Jake would be if I got pregnant the upcoming month because it was getting to be exhausting.  While I can honestly say the thoughts of getting pregnant again didn't overtake every moment of my day, it was obviously something that crept into my mind when anyone innocently asked, "So is he your only one?" or says, "Just wait when you have two."  But in those moments, I just kept my hope in the fact that sooner or later, we would get pregnant again.

After trying for a year we decided to have some tests done.  We went back and forth on if we should even do the tests, but in the end, we were thankful that we did because they showed that everything looked relatively normal for two 28 year olds trying to get pregnant for the second time.  Aside from the couple minor thoughts the doctors had as to why we couldn't conceive, there were no blaring red flags telling us we could never conceive on our own again.

After all the tests the doctors recommended doing an IUI.  I can honestly say we were very skeptical.  We knew that our bodies were capable of conceiving so neither of us thought that it would come to this.  So we started praying, researching, and seeking godly counsel.  We went back and forth on what we should do for months.  After all that time, we decided to try the IUI.  At this point we had been trying for over a year and if the "minor issues" that the doctors thought could be getting in the way of us getting pregnant could be prevented through an IUI, we were willing to try it.  We knew that we weren't going to thwart God's plan in any way - He is the creator and author of life with or without an IUI, but He has given wisdom to the doctors to help families in situations like ours.  {I could write a novel about our thoughts on the IUI- if you're interested in knowing more of our thought process just let me know and I'd be happy to talk about it } So we called the doctor and started the process.

And God showed me something big during the month that we planned to have the IUI.  He showed me that my hope had always been in a positive pregnancy test.  Ultimately, anything that we put our hope in other than Him is going to fail us.  Only God gives us true joy and peace, not a positive pregnancy test.

 So even though I was shaking uncontrollably the morning I woke up to take my pregnancy test, God gave me a very strange peace in the fact that it was negative.  Because my hope was no longer in seeing the words positive, my hope was in Him regardless of what that test said.  Don't get me wrong, I would have LOVED for it to say pregnant.  But in that moment I knew that God was doing something more in our lives.  And so from that day on my prayer changed from "Lord, please make me pregnant this month," to "God please help me to accept your wonderful story for our lives."

It never occurred to Dan or I that Jake may be the only full term pregnancy that I have.  We always saved our clothing for our next baby and I talked about my maternity clothes in the casual "next time around I can wear this."  And if I'm honest with you, the hardest part of this journey for me has been dying to my own dreams and expectations of what our family should look like.

Yes, I know very well that Dan and I could get pregnant any month.  I know that we could go on to have 5 more biological children if God so wills.  We don't know why we are in this season of waiting.  However, we do know that He is bigger than anything that is going on in our bodies right now and when/ if he wants us to have another child, we could.  Yet through all this waiting, God has confirmed in me once again, that He is the creator and author of life.  For me to move forward and really trust Him, I needed to surrender any number of future children we could have to Him.

You guys, I could sit here and write what would seem like pages of verses, quotes, and songs that have spoke VOLUMES to me during this season of my life.  And I most likely will write more in the future- because I want you all to see that God can use a season of infertility to grow you in ways you never imagined as He has done with us.  I had to share some of the awesome things God has shown me because this story isn't finished.  Our "Plan A" may not be what we wanted, but He's not done with our story yet and we're excited to share with you in the next couple weeks where He's taking us next.

So, if anyone is struggling with waiting on anything- a baby, a job, getting over a sickness- whatever it is, I pray that these verses and quotes that have spoken SO much to me this past year and a half can do the same for you- even if you haven't gotten what you are "waiting" for.
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*For the past year I have had a "secret" Pinterest board that only had things related to waiting and trials and that is where all of the verses/ quotes came from.  There is a whole lot more here if you'd like to take a look :)