The Due Date.

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October 20th.  Back in April, the world I was envisioning at this moment looked very different.  Jake was welcoming a little brother or sister and I was re-learning how to nurse, swaddle, live on only 3 hours of continuous sleep, and then also adjusting to being a mom of two young kids.  But, the reality is that we're not there.  We are still a family of 3.  

My discipler from college this past weekend asked me how I was doing, and although this is only by the grace of God, I was able to say that I am actually thankful for what God has brought us through.  Do I wish I was holding our second baby in my arms today?  Of course.  But God has shown me that if I am willing and if I let him, He can use some of the most difficult seasons in my life for good.  You know that verse about God being close to the brokenhearted?  I really can attest that it is true.  I've never felt as sad, hopeless, anxious, and confused as I did after I found out we lost our baby.  But, I've also never experienced God in this way before.  He has revealed to me areas of my heart that needed to be worked on, but He has also drawn me closer to Him.

Now.  Can I be really honest with you?

I thought for sure by now I would be pregnant again.

 

Even up until this past month I remember envisioning what a sweet story it would be if I found out I was pregnant right before our baby's due date.  But I'm not.  It didn't happen.  And I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to let that soak in.  I don't think I realized it until this past week, but there was a part of me that was hoping I would be pregnant before October 20th because I thought that would make it easier to process my miscarriage. 

However, That was my story that I was writing.  That wasn't God's story.  And if there is anything I've learned during this past year, it is that I don't want my story, I want God's story for my life.

Kids are a gift.  A gift is given willingly to someone without payment.  I kind of have a history of wanting gifts before it's time. When Dan and I started talking about getting engaged and doing "pre- pre marital counseling" (yes we did that) I started to get just a tad impatient.  It was hard for me to not constantly imagine how Dan would pop the question.  Every date we went on led me to thoughts of "I wonder if this is the moment Dan is going to get down on one knee."  And unfortunately, if it wasn't, there was always a part of me that was sad.  The poor guy.  All Dan wanted to do was surprise me and I was pushing him to give me "his gift" before his timing.  And in the end, Dan's proposal and timing was so much better than I had even imagined.

With that being said, I'm learning how to "wait well."  If God decides to bless us with another child, He will.  Until then I am working on what it looks like to walk with God in this moment.  Just last week I heard a great message about sowing seeds and I've been asking God recently what kinds of "seeds" He wants me to sow  today.. as a mom of one baby toddler boy :)  He truly is teaching me about contentment in this particular season of my life.  So that is my prayer.  That I would honor and glorify God in this time of waiting.  Not where I hope to be, but right here, right now.  It's a process but I'm clinging to the promise that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion.