Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
3.10.2015
I'm a guest blogger :)
It is seriously such a privilege to be a guest blogger over at Redeeming Naptime today! Lindsey was a student when I worked at Trinity in Chicago and was always so wise and gracious beyond her years and now had two little girls of her own. She has some really wonderful women lined up to share their stories about how God has used motherhood to change them and I honestly don't feel worthy to share my story. However, God is teaching me that His story is always worth telling, so that's what I'm doing. You can check it out here if you're interested in reading it :)
2.22.2015
Winter and a Good Reminder
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"Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace."
- Robert Robinson
At the beginning of this year we had another miscarriage.
It wasn't like our last miscarriage. As soon as I got my numbers back from the second blood test we knew I was going to miscarry. But man, the hope. That's the hardest part. I had hope and excitement that we would be expanding our family by 3 kiddos now and not just 2 (speaking of Jake and our little adopted child :).
Up until this point Dan and I really have been at peace with our infertility. And I honestly wasn't expecting to get pregnant- it just hasn't been on my mind. And then those two lines came out of nowhere saying we were pregnant and it totally threw everything off. If I'm being totally honest my first reaction as I was crying after the phone call from the doctor was, "Why, God? Why even let this happen? What is the point? We were totally fine and at peace with where You have us, so why did we need to have this come up?"
Up until this point Dan and I really have been at peace with our infertility. And I honestly wasn't expecting to get pregnant- it just hasn't been on my mind. And then those two lines came out of nowhere saying we were pregnant and it totally threw everything off. If I'm being totally honest my first reaction as I was crying after the phone call from the doctor was, "Why, God? Why even let this happen? What is the point? We were totally fine and at peace with where You have us, so why did we need to have this come up?"
And God answered as I read through all the verses, lyrics, and quotes that God has given me over the past two years since our last miscarriage and our season of infertility. He reminded me that in this life we will have trouble (John 16:33) and He reminded me that we shouldn't be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes to test us (1 Peter 4:12).
And once again, He reminded me that this isn't he way the world was supposed to be. In this world we weren't supposed to struggle with infertility, miscarriages, cancer, disease, brokenness, death. God's perfect plan didn't include sin. And yet God grieves with us when we suffer through these things. And He promises us that He will use these trials for something greater than we can imagine if we let Him. That He can redeem our brokenness and turn it into something beautiful.
He promises us that He will use our trials to strengthen us (James 1:2) and that He is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
He tells us that this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Corinthians 4:16-17) and that after a season of suffering He will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us. (1 Peter 5:10)
He says that even when we don't understand or can't see, we can trust that He will work all things together for our good. (Romans 8:28)
And He tells us that through the hard times He will be our peace (Micah 6:6). His steadfast love never ceases. That His mercies are still new every morning, and that He is good to those who wait for Him and seek Him. (Lamentations 3:21)
And He tells us that through the hard times He will be our peace (Micah 6:6). His steadfast love never ceases. That His mercies are still new every morning, and that He is good to those who wait for Him and seek Him. (Lamentations 3:21)
Our lives are messy and we are broken and let's face it, we need a Savior. This miscarriage has stood as a faithful reminder that He does use our difficult times for good. That He still has a plan amidst the unknown. And that we can trust Him even when we can't see. I am so thankful for God's promises and have been praying that God would allow me to see His goodness even through the hard and confusing times.
11.20.2014
Plan A: Our Story
I can assure you that infertility was not our plan A. Plan A consisted of Dan and I having babies relatively close together- I think mostly in part because we both grew up with siblings fairly close in age and we really enjoyed that. When we got pregnant faster than we expected the second time, we were surprised but excited- our "Plan A" was going exactly how we imagined.
Then, we had a miscarriage. And then we tried to get pregnant again. I didn't worry too much that it was taking us a few months to get pregnant. It takes lots of people a few months to get pregnant and we had just moved so I was sure God was waiting for the perfect moment.
It didn't really occur to me that Dan and I were considered "infertile" until recently [Even though my doctor's office sent me numerous pamphlets in the mail on the topic :)]. I haven't really talked much about this season of trying for another baby on our blog because it's hard. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling and if I was fully and completely honest about it - I just assumed at some point we would get pregnant and this wouldn't really be a season of my life that I share with too many people. Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's hard to be open about something that at times can just feel lonely and vulnerable. Especially secondary infertility. Because you've already had a baby. So you should be thankful. And you shouldn't worry about it.
The more people I get to know the more open they are with sharing their stories about infertility and loss, but it's obviously not something people talk about often on social media or Facebook- "Month 15 of trying for our baby!" are not really posts you see. Naturally, you see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements - which are things that should and need to be celebrated! We just don't talk about the really hard things in life as often as the good things, so when you go through those hard times, it's easy to feel alone.
Ultimately, I feel led to talk about infertility because it's the story that the Lord is weaving into our lives and I want Him to get glory for what He's doing and pray what I share can encourage someone else through it.
This whole trying for a second baby has been such a long, difficult, wonderful, confusing road for us. In the beginning I tried not to worry. I wrote a post here how I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the birth of our what would have been our second child in October of 2013, and although it was sad to me when October 20th passed and we weren't pregnant, I still had high hopes that we would get pregnant soon.
The 9 to 10 month "mark" of trying for baby #2 was hard because our friends who got pregnant when we first started trying were now having their babies. I can honestly say, only by God's grace, that I wasn't upset at God for giving them babies and not us, I just kept my hope in the fact that we would get pregnant soon.
Somewhere along the lines I stopped counting how much older Jake would be if I got pregnant the upcoming month because it was getting to be exhausting. While I can honestly say the thoughts of getting pregnant again didn't overtake every moment of my day, it was obviously something that crept into my mind when anyone innocently asked, "So is he your only one?" or says, "Just wait when you have two." But in those moments, I just kept my hope in the fact that sooner or later, we would get pregnant again.
After trying for a year we decided to have some tests done. We went back and forth on if we should even do the tests, but in the end, we were thankful that we did because they showed that everything looked relatively normal for two 28 year olds trying to get pregnant for the second time. Aside from the couple minor thoughts the doctors had as to why we couldn't conceive, there were no blaring red flags telling us we could never conceive on our own again.
After all the tests the doctors recommended doing an IUI. I can honestly say we were very skeptical. We knew that our bodies were capable of conceiving so neither of us thought that it would come to this. So we started praying, researching, and seeking godly counsel. We went back and forth on what we should do for months. After all that time, we decided to try the IUI. At this point we had been trying for over a year and if the "minor issues" that the doctors thought could be getting in the way of us getting pregnant could be prevented through an IUI, we were willing to try it. We knew that we weren't going to thwart God's plan in any way - He is the creator and author of life with or without an IUI, but He has given wisdom to the doctors to help families in situations like ours. {I could write a novel about our thoughts on the IUI- if you're interested in knowing more of our thought process just let me know and I'd be happy to talk about it } So we called the doctor and started the process.
And God showed me something big during the month that we planned to have the IUI. He showed me that my hope had always been in a positive pregnancy test. Ultimately, anything that we put our hope in other than Him is going to fail us. Only God gives us true joy and peace, not a positive pregnancy test.
So even though I was shaking uncontrollably the morning I woke up to take my pregnancy test, God gave me a very strange peace in the fact that it was negative. Because my hope was no longer in seeing the words positive, my hope was in Him regardless of what that test said. Don't get me wrong, I would have LOVED for it to say pregnant. But in that moment I knew that God was doing something more in our lives. And so from that day on my prayer changed from "Lord, please make me pregnant this month," to "God please help me to accept your wonderful story for our lives."
It never occurred to Dan or I that Jake may be the only full term pregnancy that I have. We always saved our clothing for our next baby and I talked about my maternity clothes in the casual "next time around I can wear this." And if I'm honest with you, the hardest part of this journey for me has been dying to my own dreams and expectations of what our family should look like.
Yes, I know very well that Dan and I could get pregnant any month. I know that we could go on to have 5 more biological children if God so wills. We don't know why we are in this season of waiting. However, we do know that He is bigger than anything that is going on in our bodies right now and when/ if he wants us to have another child, we could. Yet through all this waiting, God has confirmed in me once again, that He is the creator and author of life. For me to move forward and really trust Him, I needed to surrender any number of future children we could have to Him.
You guys, I could sit here and write what would seem like pages of verses, quotes, and songs that have spoke VOLUMES to me during this season of my life. And I most likely will write more in the future- because I want you all to see that God can use a season of infertility to grow you in ways you never imagined as He has done with us. I had to share some of the awesome things God has shown me because this story isn't finished. Our "Plan A" may not be what we wanted, but He's not done with our story yet and we're excited to share with you in the next couple weeks where He's taking us next.
So, if anyone is struggling with waiting on anything- a baby, a job, getting over a sickness- whatever it is, I pray that these verses and quotes that have spoken SO much to me this past year and a half can do the same for you- even if you haven't gotten what you are "waiting" for.
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*For the past year I have had a "secret" Pinterest board that only had things related to waiting and trials and that is where all of the verses/ quotes came from. There is a whole lot more here if you'd like to take a look :)
Then, we had a miscarriage. And then we tried to get pregnant again. I didn't worry too much that it was taking us a few months to get pregnant. It takes lots of people a few months to get pregnant and we had just moved so I was sure God was waiting for the perfect moment.
It didn't really occur to me that Dan and I were considered "infertile" until recently [Even though my doctor's office sent me numerous pamphlets in the mail on the topic :)]. I haven't really talked much about this season of trying for another baby on our blog because it's hard. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling and if I was fully and completely honest about it - I just assumed at some point we would get pregnant and this wouldn't really be a season of my life that I share with too many people. Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's hard to be open about something that at times can just feel lonely and vulnerable. Especially secondary infertility. Because you've already had a baby. So you should be thankful. And you shouldn't worry about it.
The more people I get to know the more open they are with sharing their stories about infertility and loss, but it's obviously not something people talk about often on social media or Facebook- "Month 15 of trying for our baby!" are not really posts you see. Naturally, you see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements - which are things that should and need to be celebrated! We just don't talk about the really hard things in life as often as the good things, so when you go through those hard times, it's easy to feel alone.
Ultimately, I feel led to talk about infertility because it's the story that the Lord is weaving into our lives and I want Him to get glory for what He's doing and pray what I share can encourage someone else through it.
This whole trying for a second baby has been such a long, difficult, wonderful, confusing road for us. In the beginning I tried not to worry. I wrote a post here how I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the birth of our what would have been our second child in October of 2013, and although it was sad to me when October 20th passed and we weren't pregnant, I still had high hopes that we would get pregnant soon.
The 9 to 10 month "mark" of trying for baby #2 was hard because our friends who got pregnant when we first started trying were now having their babies. I can honestly say, only by God's grace, that I wasn't upset at God for giving them babies and not us, I just kept my hope in the fact that we would get pregnant soon.
Somewhere along the lines I stopped counting how much older Jake would be if I got pregnant the upcoming month because it was getting to be exhausting. While I can honestly say the thoughts of getting pregnant again didn't overtake every moment of my day, it was obviously something that crept into my mind when anyone innocently asked, "So is he your only one?" or says, "Just wait when you have two." But in those moments, I just kept my hope in the fact that sooner or later, we would get pregnant again.
After trying for a year we decided to have some tests done. We went back and forth on if we should even do the tests, but in the end, we were thankful that we did because they showed that everything looked relatively normal for two 28 year olds trying to get pregnant for the second time. Aside from the couple minor thoughts the doctors had as to why we couldn't conceive, there were no blaring red flags telling us we could never conceive on our own again.
After all the tests the doctors recommended doing an IUI. I can honestly say we were very skeptical. We knew that our bodies were capable of conceiving so neither of us thought that it would come to this. So we started praying, researching, and seeking godly counsel. We went back and forth on what we should do for months. After all that time, we decided to try the IUI. At this point we had been trying for over a year and if the "minor issues" that the doctors thought could be getting in the way of us getting pregnant could be prevented through an IUI, we were willing to try it. We knew that we weren't going to thwart God's plan in any way - He is the creator and author of life with or without an IUI, but He has given wisdom to the doctors to help families in situations like ours. {I could write a novel about our thoughts on the IUI- if you're interested in knowing more of our thought process just let me know and I'd be happy to talk about it } So we called the doctor and started the process.
And God showed me something big during the month that we planned to have the IUI. He showed me that my hope had always been in a positive pregnancy test. Ultimately, anything that we put our hope in other than Him is going to fail us. Only God gives us true joy and peace, not a positive pregnancy test.
So even though I was shaking uncontrollably the morning I woke up to take my pregnancy test, God gave me a very strange peace in the fact that it was negative. Because my hope was no longer in seeing the words positive, my hope was in Him regardless of what that test said. Don't get me wrong, I would have LOVED for it to say pregnant. But in that moment I knew that God was doing something more in our lives. And so from that day on my prayer changed from "Lord, please make me pregnant this month," to "God please help me to accept your wonderful story for our lives."
It never occurred to Dan or I that Jake may be the only full term pregnancy that I have. We always saved our clothing for our next baby and I talked about my maternity clothes in the casual "next time around I can wear this." And if I'm honest with you, the hardest part of this journey for me has been dying to my own dreams and expectations of what our family should look like.
Yes, I know very well that Dan and I could get pregnant any month. I know that we could go on to have 5 more biological children if God so wills. We don't know why we are in this season of waiting. However, we do know that He is bigger than anything that is going on in our bodies right now and when/ if he wants us to have another child, we could. Yet through all this waiting, God has confirmed in me once again, that He is the creator and author of life. For me to move forward and really trust Him, I needed to surrender any number of future children we could have to Him.
You guys, I could sit here and write what would seem like pages of verses, quotes, and songs that have spoke VOLUMES to me during this season of my life. And I most likely will write more in the future- because I want you all to see that God can use a season of infertility to grow you in ways you never imagined as He has done with us. I had to share some of the awesome things God has shown me because this story isn't finished. Our "Plan A" may not be what we wanted, but He's not done with our story yet and we're excited to share with you in the next couple weeks where He's taking us next.
So, if anyone is struggling with waiting on anything- a baby, a job, getting over a sickness- whatever it is, I pray that these verses and quotes that have spoken SO much to me this past year and a half can do the same for you- even if you haven't gotten what you are "waiting" for.
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*For the past year I have had a "secret" Pinterest board that only had things related to waiting and trials and that is where all of the verses/ quotes came from. There is a whole lot more here if you'd like to take a look :)
4.25.2014
Parenting and Scripture Memorization
I can't help but laugh when I think back to a year ago when I started to memorize the entire book of James. I don't know what I was thinking, but one thing was for sure, the first four verses were SUCH a huge help to me as we went through our miscarriage. Honestly, it was one of the first things that went through my head when I was driving home from the doctors office with little Jake in the back seat.
"Count it all JOY my brothers when you meet trials of various kind, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I remember when I "mapped" out how long it would take me to memorize the whole book - if I memorized 4 verses a week I could be done by September. Totally doable.
Bahahaha. I laugh now as it was just yesterday that I finished memorizing the last 4 verses in chapter 5. I'm only 8 months behind ;) However, needless to say, it was totally the Lord who kept pushing me to finish. He continued to remind me that His Word revives my soul, his precepts rejoice my heart, and they are better than gold (Psalm 19) and that man doesn't just live on bread alone, but on every Word of God (Matthew 4). Because I have memorized scripture, I can have immediate comfort when I go through a situation. Instead of acting on my feelings, whatever the situation may be, I can be comforted by God's Word which is true and encouraging.
I just started reading a book called "Parenting the Wholehearted Child" by Jeannie Cunnion. I haven't even finished it, but if you're a parent I would totally recommend you purchasing it on amazon right now. I bought the kindle edition for only $4. It was so worth it. I just finished reading her chapter on scripture memorization and she gives such helpful ways that she has used scripture to parent her three boys. While I knew beforehand this was something I needed to do, God used her book to really show me that I can start now because before I know it, Jake will be able to sit for more than 5 seconds and have a conversation with me.
Already, this age is FULL of sharing issues. She took my toy. I want his toy. I didn't realize how much I wanted to ride my horse until she got on my horse and is loving it and now I'm devastated that I'm not on the horse and she is. (play dates can be such a sanctifying experience :) ) For situations like this I would love to memorize Philippians 2:3-5 so when Jake is struggling with selfishness (and lets be honest, I'll need it, too) we can be reminded not to do anything out of selfish ambition, but in humility to value others interests above our own.
Another thing I really hope to show Jake through scripture is that the Bible is not just a book of rules. I don't want to just remind him of scripture when I'm correcting him so that he will somehow equate God to this person who only loves him when he's doing the right thing. That's why I want him to memorize verses like this (the one below)
"Count it all JOY my brothers when you meet trials of various kind, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I remember when I "mapped" out how long it would take me to memorize the whole book - if I memorized 4 verses a week I could be done by September. Totally doable.
Bahahaha. I laugh now as it was just yesterday that I finished memorizing the last 4 verses in chapter 5. I'm only 8 months behind ;) However, needless to say, it was totally the Lord who kept pushing me to finish. He continued to remind me that His Word revives my soul, his precepts rejoice my heart, and they are better than gold (Psalm 19) and that man doesn't just live on bread alone, but on every Word of God (Matthew 4). Because I have memorized scripture, I can have immediate comfort when I go through a situation. Instead of acting on my feelings, whatever the situation may be, I can be comforted by God's Word which is true and encouraging.
I just started reading a book called "Parenting the Wholehearted Child" by Jeannie Cunnion. I haven't even finished it, but if you're a parent I would totally recommend you purchasing it on amazon right now. I bought the kindle edition for only $4. It was so worth it. I just finished reading her chapter on scripture memorization and she gives such helpful ways that she has used scripture to parent her three boys. While I knew beforehand this was something I needed to do, God used her book to really show me that I can start now because before I know it, Jake will be able to sit for more than 5 seconds and have a conversation with me.
Already, this age is FULL of sharing issues. She took my toy. I want his toy. I didn't realize how much I wanted to ride my horse until she got on my horse and is loving it and now I'm devastated that I'm not on the horse and she is. (play dates can be such a sanctifying experience :) ) For situations like this I would love to memorize Philippians 2:3-5 so when Jake is struggling with selfishness (and lets be honest, I'll need it, too) we can be reminded not to do anything out of selfish ambition, but in humility to value others interests above our own.
Another thing I really hope to show Jake through scripture is that the Bible is not just a book of rules. I don't want to just remind him of scripture when I'm correcting him so that he will somehow equate God to this person who only loves him when he's doing the right thing. That's why I want him to memorize verses like this (the one below)
I want Jake to know that God loves him more than anything in this whole world, even me (which is crazy to think about!) I pray that as we read the Bible together he sees that God is 100% for him. That He has this awesome purpose for his life and that Jake is apart of something so much greater than himself. And that's why we gave Jake a "life verse" when he was born. We want him to know that God has a story written specifically for him.
When we chose 1 Samuel 12:24 "Only fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with your whole heart, for consider what great things He has done for you" we obviously hoped that it would encourage Jake to fear God and serve Him. However, during that season of my life God had me right smack dab in the middle of reading 1,000 gifts by Ann Voskamp and He was showing me what an awesome gift Jake was, even in the (at times) difficulty of being a parent of a newborn. That's why this verse stuck out to me, my prayer is that Jake will see all the little gifts from God that He gives us during the day- from a trip to get ice cream to simply a walk to the park. I hope Jake has an eye for God so he truly can see all the great things He has done and continues to do for Him.
I know a read a lot of parenting books. (I wrote another post about scripture memorization here) But just the other day Dan and I were talking about how we could so easily explain the gospel to another 20 something year old/ adult, but explaining the gospel to a 2 year old is a whole different story. I need all the wisdom and help that I can get in this area and I am so thankful that God has provided great friends, family, and resources (like the Bible) to help us along the way :)
4.03.2014
{What I cling to in the waiting}
I wasn't sure if I would ever write a post about this. It's easy to write about something after it's happened and in the past, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's much harder. I always told myself I would write this post after we got pregnant. It's always so much easier that way, isn't it? But I felt God prompting me to write it now. So here we are.
We're coming up on the year anniversary of our miscarriage. And while that was a trial for us in and of itself, the waiting on our next baby has been another trial for us. Although it's a different trial, I have similar fears. Fears that people will judge what I call our current season a "trial," because we're still young and have plenty of time to get pregnant. Fears that people will dismiss this difficult season for me because I already have a beautiful young boy and I should just be thankful for him. And yes, we are extremely blessed. Extremely. I have told many friends that the last thing I want is to look back and see I missed out on such a sweet time where it was just Jake and I because I was too busy worrying and wondering about when we would get pregnant again. And every single day I pray for that balance. On the other hand, I don't want to just ignore what God is teaching me during this specific season. I don't want to tell myself to stop worrying because God is doing something in and through our life right now. As I look through my journal, these have been the biggest truths I have clung to during this season of waiting for us.
We're coming up on the year anniversary of our miscarriage. And while that was a trial for us in and of itself, the waiting on our next baby has been another trial for us. Although it's a different trial, I have similar fears. Fears that people will judge what I call our current season a "trial," because we're still young and have plenty of time to get pregnant. Fears that people will dismiss this difficult season for me because I already have a beautiful young boy and I should just be thankful for him. And yes, we are extremely blessed. Extremely. I have told many friends that the last thing I want is to look back and see I missed out on such a sweet time where it was just Jake and I because I was too busy worrying and wondering about when we would get pregnant again. And every single day I pray for that balance. On the other hand, I don't want to just ignore what God is teaching me during this specific season. I don't want to tell myself to stop worrying because God is doing something in and through our life right now. As I look through my journal, these have been the biggest truths I have clung to during this season of waiting for us.
- Trials make us more like Him. Knowing that God is conforming me to be more like Jesus through this has been by far the biggest truth I have clung to during this season of my life. More than anything, God is transforming my heart during this time. I can't see it, and I don't know what it is, but I know that He is because He tells me over and over again in His Word that our trials are not pointless. (James 1, Romans 5, 1 Peter 1) This time in our life will not prove to be fruitless. God always brings me back to this verse in 2 Corinthians 4:16: "For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but are unseen." I know I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I still absolutely love this song and what Piper says in the middle of it about our affliction and trails: "Don't say it's meaningless, it's not. It's working for you an eternal weight of glory, therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths, and day by day, focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."
- God is the ultimate creator and author of life. More than ever in this season He has taught me that He is the creator and author of life. Yes, I "knew" that before, but I didn't really know that. When I went in for my annual OB appointment in January the doctors said that everything looks perfect. My cycle is very regular. My body is functioning normal. And while part of me wanted them to find something wrong so they could just give me this magic medicine and we would get pregnant the next month, the fact that they didn't reinforced for me that God is in control. God sees our future family. He sees how far apart each of our kids will be. He sees if we will even have another child. And relinquishing that control to God has honestly been hard for me. I naturally assumed we would have kids that were close in age, 2 years apart max. I had a vision for what our family would look like and I have slowly shifted from changing my plan, to now giving up that plan completely to God.
- Can I truly believe God is good when He's withholding this desire from me? Ann Voskamp once asked if we can truly believe the verse Psalm 84 where it says, "And He (God) withholds no good thing from us" when we live in such a fallen world. In response she pointed out that the good things in life are not so much health but holiness, and not so much riches of this world but relationship with God, and not so much our plans but His presence, and He withholds no good thing from us because the greatest things aren't ever things." Amen. While babies are gifts from God and ultimately good, He hasn't withheld the greatest thing from me, His son and His presence. This is what I cling to when I find myself questioning God's goodness.
- Reforming my end goal during this season of waiting. A Cru staff member wrote such a great post on waiting well. Lindsay says, "I have seen the Lord honor my prayer that He would teach me to wait well, to not focus on the event of what I'm waiting for, but what He's doing on the journey." God has done so much in my life this past year and I hope that when or if we do get pregnant again, my response isn't "Finally, Lord! It took you long enough!" But that I would say as Lindsay says in Isaiah 25 "This is the Lord, and I have waited for Him." I want to wait on God, not on another baby.
- Not becoming obsessive and rejoicing with others when they do get pregnant. You just need to google "TTC" (trying to conceive :) ) and you will find hundreds of forums where women are completely obsessed with getting pregnant. You can also find even more tips on how to get pregnant and what you're doing wrong as you're trying. Seriously, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about why you didn't get pregnant the previous month. Which then can lead to bitterness when others do become pregnant. I've said it over and over again. Nothing is too difficult for God (Jeremiah 32). If He truly wanted Dan and I to be pregnant, we would be. God is in control, and that truth helps me to not become obsessive.
I hope that someone out there is blessed by the things God is teaching me. I haven't waited perfectly during this past year, but God is working on my heart. I pray that He uses this post to encourage someone who is also in a season of waiting just like I am.
10.31.2013
I'm a GUEST blogger :)
Guys, I have some exciting news to share. I am guest blogging today at one of my friend's blogs! So cool, right?
My friend Rachael is putting together a series on her blog where she asks women to share about a trial that the Lord has brought them through. The theme is: "In times of Trial, God is my ... " I'm sharing about our miscarriage, and although I've said a lot about it on my blog here, I would encourage you to visit her blog purely to hear her story. Rachael has gone through a season of infertility and now adoption and the grace and trust she has shown through their trial is something that can only come from the Lord. Her and her husband started a church plant near New York city, but I met her when I worked at Trinity and I am so thankful to have gotten to know her during our time in Chicago.
I am sincerely humbled that she asked me to share my story. I hope you are encouraged by Rachael's journey and I can't wait to hear stories from the other women she has asked to be apart of the series!
Oh, and Happy Halloween! Just like every other mom I will be posting pictures of Jake and his superman costume soon :)
My friend Rachael is putting together a series on her blog where she asks women to share about a trial that the Lord has brought them through. The theme is: "In times of Trial, God is my ... " I'm sharing about our miscarriage, and although I've said a lot about it on my blog here, I would encourage you to visit her blog purely to hear her story. Rachael has gone through a season of infertility and now adoption and the grace and trust she has shown through their trial is something that can only come from the Lord. Her and her husband started a church plant near New York city, but I met her when I worked at Trinity and I am so thankful to have gotten to know her during our time in Chicago.
I am sincerely humbled that she asked me to share my story. I hope you are encouraged by Rachael's journey and I can't wait to hear stories from the other women she has asked to be apart of the series!
Oh, and Happy Halloween! Just like every other mom I will be posting pictures of Jake and his superman costume soon :)
10.21.2013
The Due Date.
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My discipler from college this past weekend asked me how I was doing, and although this is only by the grace of God, I was able to say that I am actually thankful for what God has brought us through. Do I wish I was holding our second baby in my arms today? Of course. But God has shown me that if I am willing and if I let him, He can use some of the most difficult seasons in my life for good. You know that verse about God being close to the brokenhearted? I really can attest that it is true. I've never felt as sad, hopeless, anxious, and confused as I did after I found out we lost our baby. But, I've also never experienced God in this way before. He has revealed to me areas of my heart that needed to be worked on, but He has also drawn me closer to Him.
Now. Can I be really honest with you?
I thought for sure by now I would be pregnant again.
However, That was my story that I was writing. That wasn't God's story. And if there is anything I've learned during this past year, it is that I don't want my story, I want God's story for my life.
Kids are a gift. A gift is given willingly to someone without payment. I kind of have a history of wanting gifts before it's time. When Dan and I started talking about getting engaged and doing "pre- pre marital counseling" (yes we did that) I started to get just a tad impatient. It was hard for me to not constantly imagine how Dan would pop the question. Every date we went on led me to thoughts of "I wonder if this is the moment Dan is going to get down on one knee." And unfortunately, if it wasn't, there was always a part of me that was sad. The poor guy. All Dan wanted to do was surprise me and I was pushing him to give me "his gift" before his timing. And in the end, Dan's proposal and timing was so much better than I had even imagined.
With that being said, I'm learning how to "wait well." If God decides to bless us with another child, He will. Until then I am working on what it looks like to walk with God in this moment. Just last week I heard a great message about sowing seeds and I've been asking God recently what kinds of "seeds" He wants me to sow today.. as a mom of one
8.20.2013
Thoughts on our miscarriage
For a while I've been wanting to write about our miscarriage again. For weeks after it happened I kept a record of any thought - good or bad- that came into my mind about our experience in my journal. And it was so helpful for me to process what happened. For me to really get over it I needed to face all the emotions that came with a miscarriage and that was hard. It was hard because everyone's miscarriage is so different. Yes I already had a kid. Yes we weren't trying for another baby when we got pregnant with the baby we lost. But it still hurt. We still lost a child. And it took me a while to admit to myself that it was ok to be sad about that. I found myself thinking that there are other people who don't have kids and they miscarry so that's even harder. There are people who miscarry at 20 weeks and we only miscarried at 14 so their pain is greater. And it may have been. But I still experienced pain and still lost a child so I needed to grieve that.
The miscarriage made me realize what a huge blessing it was that I carried Jake to full term. The fact that he is a beautiful, healthy baby is not something everyone experiences and shouldn't be taken for granted. And while it reminded me what a blessing Jake is, God also reminded me that I can't put my hope in Jake. I can't say "well at least I have Jake" because if anything the miscarriage reminded me that I am only entrusted to be Jake's mom for so long, just as I was only supposed to carry my second baby for 14 weeks. And while I hope that I am Jake's mom for my whole entire life that isn't promised to me. So I can't hope in Jake, I need to hope in God alone. He is the only solid hope I have in this world.
I still think about the baby. I still think about how far along I would be if I was pregnant right now. Exactly 2 months from today would have been my due date and that's hard to think about. But God has taught me so much through it. He's taught me that He was nearer than ever to me during that difficult time. He was closer than ever in my OBGYN's office when I got the news that there was no heartbeat. Even though I didn't feel Him- He was there. I told Dan that I felt like the moment I was in my doctors office getting the news was similar to when I take Jake in to get his shots. He has no idea what is coming- but I do. And even though he doesn't realize it in the painful moment that the needle is put into his skin, I am holding him tighter than I ever have and I feel like I feel every ounce of pain he feels. Just like that God was near to me in that office when I got the news and the tears started to flow.
Recently a friend posted this song on Facebook and I was so thankful for it because it was yet again a reminder that our pain and trials in this world are only temporary and do not go unnoticed. Dan and I hope to have another baby some day. I worry about being anxious if we get pregnant again. Sometimes I worry about losing another child and wonder how I would get through it. But worrying about tomorrow will get me nowhere. God has shown me that He will get me through whatever comes my way.
Another thing that was helpful for me during the miscarriage was focusing on who God is. I don't know why the miscarriage happened and I probably won't ever know. But I know who God is and what He says:
"This is what I want you to do: I want you to tell someone you love them, and dinner’s at six. I want you to throw open your front door and welcome the people you love into the inevitable mess with hugs and laughter. Gather the people you love around your table and feed them with love and honesty and creativity, because there will be a day when it all falls apart. These are things I can’t change. Not one of them. Can’t fix, can’t heal, can’t put the broken pieces back together. But what I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and the mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for."
This past week I was reminded that life is messy after talking with a couple neighbors who opened up about the past trials in their life. It's easy to be there for people when life is wonderful and easy but I want to be there for people when they are hurting. My friends and family were amazing when we walked through this miscarriage and it was a constant reminder to me of how I hope to love others during their trials. For me, just someone asking me how was I was doing was SO helpful. I know it's scary to ask people how they are doing during a difficult time because you may not know what to say- trust me I've been there. I've been silent and after this miscarriage I greatly regret it. But don't worry. You don't need to know what to say. You just need to be someone who cares. Honestly, just a simple "I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you" was so helpful to hear. And offering a verse really helped me as well. God was my greatest comfort during that time.
This stage of life that I'm at- where most of the people I know are having a family or thinking about it- it's not easy. There is a lot of trust and waiting and patience and that is what makes the joy even greater and the pain even harder. But regardless of the outcome- whether we have another child or don't, this verse comes to mind:
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 27)
God is good. Through it all His goodness will shine through. Even though we go through trials in this life His goodness is still all around us. To Him be the glory.
The miscarriage made me realize what a huge blessing it was that I carried Jake to full term. The fact that he is a beautiful, healthy baby is not something everyone experiences and shouldn't be taken for granted. And while it reminded me what a blessing Jake is, God also reminded me that I can't put my hope in Jake. I can't say "well at least I have Jake" because if anything the miscarriage reminded me that I am only entrusted to be Jake's mom for so long, just as I was only supposed to carry my second baby for 14 weeks. And while I hope that I am Jake's mom for my whole entire life that isn't promised to me. So I can't hope in Jake, I need to hope in God alone. He is the only solid hope I have in this world.
I still think about the baby. I still think about how far along I would be if I was pregnant right now. Exactly 2 months from today would have been my due date and that's hard to think about. But God has taught me so much through it. He's taught me that He was nearer than ever to me during that difficult time. He was closer than ever in my OBGYN's office when I got the news that there was no heartbeat. Even though I didn't feel Him- He was there. I told Dan that I felt like the moment I was in my doctors office getting the news was similar to when I take Jake in to get his shots. He has no idea what is coming- but I do. And even though he doesn't realize it in the painful moment that the needle is put into his skin, I am holding him tighter than I ever have and I feel like I feel every ounce of pain he feels. Just like that God was near to me in that office when I got the news and the tears started to flow.
Recently a friend posted this song on Facebook and I was so thankful for it because it was yet again a reminder that our pain and trials in this world are only temporary and do not go unnoticed. Dan and I hope to have another baby some day. I worry about being anxious if we get pregnant again. Sometimes I worry about losing another child and wonder how I would get through it. But worrying about tomorrow will get me nowhere. God has shown me that He will get me through whatever comes my way.
Another thing that was helpful for me during the miscarriage was focusing on who God is. I don't know why the miscarriage happened and I probably won't ever know. But I know who God is and what He says:
- He will strengthen me and help me.. He will uphold me (Isaiah 41:10)
- When I pass through the waters He will be there and the rivers will not overwhelm me. I will not be burned when I walk through the fires. He is my savior and I am precious in His eyes and honored and He loves me (Isaiah 43)
- Though the mountains may move God's steadfast love for me will not depart from me- His covenant of peace will not be removed (Isaiah 54)
- God made the heavens and earth.. nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32)
- Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you, he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55)
- The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion,” says my soul," therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3)
"This is what I want you to do: I want you to tell someone you love them, and dinner’s at six. I want you to throw open your front door and welcome the people you love into the inevitable mess with hugs and laughter. Gather the people you love around your table and feed them with love and honesty and creativity, because there will be a day when it all falls apart. These are things I can’t change. Not one of them. Can’t fix, can’t heal, can’t put the broken pieces back together. But what I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and the mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for."
This past week I was reminded that life is messy after talking with a couple neighbors who opened up about the past trials in their life. It's easy to be there for people when life is wonderful and easy but I want to be there for people when they are hurting. My friends and family were amazing when we walked through this miscarriage and it was a constant reminder to me of how I hope to love others during their trials. For me, just someone asking me how was I was doing was SO helpful. I know it's scary to ask people how they are doing during a difficult time because you may not know what to say- trust me I've been there. I've been silent and after this miscarriage I greatly regret it. But don't worry. You don't need to know what to say. You just need to be someone who cares. Honestly, just a simple "I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you" was so helpful to hear. And offering a verse really helped me as well. God was my greatest comfort during that time.
This stage of life that I'm at- where most of the people I know are having a family or thinking about it- it's not easy. There is a lot of trust and waiting and patience and that is what makes the joy even greater and the pain even harder. But regardless of the outcome- whether we have another child or don't, this verse comes to mind:
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 27)
God is good. Through it all His goodness will shine through. Even though we go through trials in this life His goodness is still all around us. To Him be the glory.
4.24.2013
Count it all joy...
God has me in James in this season in my life, and is prompting me to memorize the whole book (eek!). Scripture memory isn't something I'm good at and I have to read them over and over again, but it is in seasons of my life like right now that I am so thankful that God convicted me to do it.
I was hoping later this week to share exciting news. News that I feel like we have been holding in forever- that Jake was going to be a big brother. We found out in February we were pregnant with baby number 2, and while we were surprised to be pregnant so quickly, we were thrilled and so thankful. I started thinking about my family and how close my brothers and I are in age and we were getting really excited at the idea of having a similar family with two kids close in age. I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but that God would give me the strength to raise two young kids.
This pregnancy was a little different than the first one. I felt more sick and tired in the beginning, and a couple friends even texted me that they had a dream I was pregnant (and I didn't even tell them!). We were really excited and already planning for our little family of four in October.
Our first two ultrasounds were the same as Jake. My placenta was on top so they couldn't hear the heart beat at 10 weeks on the Doppler so I needed to get an ultrasound. I didn't worry, because again, that happened with Jake and this time around was no different- we happily saw our little baby and heard its racing heart beat. It still amazing me every time that a human barely 1.5 inches long has a heart beat.
Our ultrasound on Monday was obviously different. They couldn't find the heart beat with the Doppler monitor. I honestly didn't think twice about it. The doctor said my placenta felt fine and the baby was probably hiding. I joked with the ultrasound technician that she was probably getting tired of seeing me as I sat down in the chair and told Jake to get excited that he was going to see his little brother or sister. It was past his nap time so he was fussy and I was trying to keep him entertained as she started looking. I saw on the screen what appeared to be a bigger baby than the last one so assumed everything was fine but her quietness told me otherwise. I knew immediately there wasn't a heartbeat and she confirmed that for me. 13 weeks 5 days. That's when the baby died. Some time last week.
I didn't know what to say so I just said "it's ok." Obviously, it wasn't. I think I was trying to tell myself it was fine so I wouldn't start bawling but that didn't help because the tears just started coming. I was shocked. I thought we were "in the clear" seeing as we were out of the first trimester. Everything went fine with Jake, what happened this time? What did I do wrong? I honestly just wanted to leave but they needed to talk to me about everything I needed to do since the baby wouldn't pass naturally.
Yesterday I went in for my D&C and just like that I'm not pregnant anymore. It's really surreal. You tell family. You change your whole mindset about your future. And in a quick doctors appointment everything changes.
We're really sad. We're mostly sad we won't get to meet our little boy or girl on this earth. I don't know why but I felt we were having a girl. I mean, who really knows, but this pregnancy was different. Dan and I would be thrilled either way, but it's thinking about things like that that make us sad. Thinking about how at our next appointment we would find out the gender and throw a little party with our friends. Thinking about how we were going to share that at 11 months Jake had a little brother or sister inside me that was 4 months old.
But, like I said before there's a reason God has me in James. The verse I just memorized was: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Dan and I can know that we can have joy during this trial because, if we're willing, it can increase our faith. It's in moments like these that we have a choice. The big question we have to ask is "What are we going to do with what we're going through?" We can just be sad. And don't get me wrong, we're sad. We're upset, we're disappointed, and we're definitely wanting answers. But if we just stay there we are missing out on something much more that God wants for us.
We are told in 1 Peter 4 that we shouldn't be surprised when we face trails as though something strange were happening to us. And again in John 16:33 God reminds us that in this world you will face tribulation, but to take heart, because He has overcome the world. Trials in this world shouldn't surprise us. This world is sinful and fallen. No one can deny that after what happened in our country last week. That is why I am thankful that Christ came to save us from this ugly place and allow us to spend eternity in heaven. Where everything will be perfect. There will be no more tears. No death, no miscarriage, no cancer, no sickness, no terrorist attacks. However, until we are there, we will face trails here.
I have been clinging to the fact that God uses our trials - they do not go to waste. In Romans 8:28 God says that for those who love Him, He will work ALL things together for good. And in Psalms 34 God says that He hears our cries for help and is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
I know these next few weeks won't be easy. I am sure there will be good days and bad days. But Dan and I know that all we can do is cling to God's Word and the truth that we know about Him. I am more painfully aware than before that God just entrusts us with our children for only a period of time. This child was never ours to begin with and neither is Jake. I am not guaranteed a lifetime with any of our children but I want to cherish the gift that they are to me as long as Dan and I are entrusted with them.
Thanks so much for praying for us during this difficult time. We already feel so comforted by your prayers, texts, emails, and phone calls.
I was hoping later this week to share exciting news. News that I feel like we have been holding in forever- that Jake was going to be a big brother. We found out in February we were pregnant with baby number 2, and while we were surprised to be pregnant so quickly, we were thrilled and so thankful. I started thinking about my family and how close my brothers and I are in age and we were getting really excited at the idea of having a similar family with two kids close in age. I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but that God would give me the strength to raise two young kids.
This pregnancy was a little different than the first one. I felt more sick and tired in the beginning, and a couple friends even texted me that they had a dream I was pregnant (and I didn't even tell them!). We were really excited and already planning for our little family of four in October.
Our first two ultrasounds were the same as Jake. My placenta was on top so they couldn't hear the heart beat at 10 weeks on the Doppler so I needed to get an ultrasound. I didn't worry, because again, that happened with Jake and this time around was no different- we happily saw our little baby and heard its racing heart beat. It still amazing me every time that a human barely 1.5 inches long has a heart beat.
Our ultrasound on Monday was obviously different. They couldn't find the heart beat with the Doppler monitor. I honestly didn't think twice about it. The doctor said my placenta felt fine and the baby was probably hiding. I joked with the ultrasound technician that she was probably getting tired of seeing me as I sat down in the chair and told Jake to get excited that he was going to see his little brother or sister. It was past his nap time so he was fussy and I was trying to keep him entertained as she started looking. I saw on the screen what appeared to be a bigger baby than the last one so assumed everything was fine but her quietness told me otherwise. I knew immediately there wasn't a heartbeat and she confirmed that for me. 13 weeks 5 days. That's when the baby died. Some time last week.
I didn't know what to say so I just said "it's ok." Obviously, it wasn't. I think I was trying to tell myself it was fine so I wouldn't start bawling but that didn't help because the tears just started coming. I was shocked. I thought we were "in the clear" seeing as we were out of the first trimester. Everything went fine with Jake, what happened this time? What did I do wrong? I honestly just wanted to leave but they needed to talk to me about everything I needed to do since the baby wouldn't pass naturally.
Yesterday I went in for my D&C and just like that I'm not pregnant anymore. It's really surreal. You tell family. You change your whole mindset about your future. And in a quick doctors appointment everything changes.
We're really sad. We're mostly sad we won't get to meet our little boy or girl on this earth. I don't know why but I felt we were having a girl. I mean, who really knows, but this pregnancy was different. Dan and I would be thrilled either way, but it's thinking about things like that that make us sad. Thinking about how at our next appointment we would find out the gender and throw a little party with our friends. Thinking about how we were going to share that at 11 months Jake had a little brother or sister inside me that was 4 months old.
But, like I said before there's a reason God has me in James. The verse I just memorized was: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Dan and I can know that we can have joy during this trial because, if we're willing, it can increase our faith. It's in moments like these that we have a choice. The big question we have to ask is "What are we going to do with what we're going through?" We can just be sad. And don't get me wrong, we're sad. We're upset, we're disappointed, and we're definitely wanting answers. But if we just stay there we are missing out on something much more that God wants for us.
We are told in 1 Peter 4 that we shouldn't be surprised when we face trails as though something strange were happening to us. And again in John 16:33 God reminds us that in this world you will face tribulation, but to take heart, because He has overcome the world. Trials in this world shouldn't surprise us. This world is sinful and fallen. No one can deny that after what happened in our country last week. That is why I am thankful that Christ came to save us from this ugly place and allow us to spend eternity in heaven. Where everything will be perfect. There will be no more tears. No death, no miscarriage, no cancer, no sickness, no terrorist attacks. However, until we are there, we will face trails here.
I have been clinging to the fact that God uses our trials - they do not go to waste. In Romans 8:28 God says that for those who love Him, He will work ALL things together for good. And in Psalms 34 God says that He hears our cries for help and is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
I know these next few weeks won't be easy. I am sure there will be good days and bad days. But Dan and I know that all we can do is cling to God's Word and the truth that we know about Him. I am more painfully aware than before that God just entrusts us with our children for only a period of time. This child was never ours to begin with and neither is Jake. I am not guaranteed a lifetime with any of our children but I want to cherish the gift that they are to me as long as Dan and I are entrusted with them.
Thanks so much for praying for us during this difficult time. We already feel so comforted by your prayers, texts, emails, and phone calls.
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