Thoughts on our miscarriage

For a while I've been wanting to write about our miscarriage again.  For weeks after it happened I kept a record of any thought - good or bad- that came into my mind about our experience in my journal.  And it was so helpful for me to process what happened.  For me to really get over it I needed to face all the emotions that came with a miscarriage and that was hard.  It was hard because everyone's miscarriage is so different.  Yes I already had a kid.  Yes we weren't trying for another baby when we got pregnant with the baby we lost.  But it still hurt.  We still lost a child.  And it took me a while to admit to myself that it was ok to be sad about that.  I found myself thinking that there are other people who don't have kids and they miscarry so that's even harder.  There are people who miscarry at 20 weeks and we only miscarried at 14 so their pain is greater.  And it may have been.  But I still experienced pain and still lost a child so I needed to grieve that.

The miscarriage made me realize what a huge blessing it was that I carried Jake to full term.  The fact that he is a beautiful, healthy baby is not something everyone experiences and shouldn't be taken for granted.  And while it reminded me what a blessing Jake is, God also reminded me that I can't put my hope in Jake.  I can't say "well at least I have Jake" because if anything the miscarriage reminded me that I am only entrusted to be Jake's mom for so long, just as I was only supposed to carry my second baby for 14 weeks.  And while I hope that I am Jake's mom for my whole entire life that isn't promised to me.  So I can't hope in Jake, I need to hope in God alone.  He is the only solid hope I have in this world. 

I still think about the baby.  I still think about how far along I would be if I was pregnant right now.  Exactly 2 months from today would have been my due date and that's hard to think about.  But God has taught me so much through it.  He's taught me that He was nearer than ever to me during that difficult time.  He was closer than ever in my OBGYN's office when I got the news that there was no heartbeat.  Even though I didn't feel Him-  He was there.  I told Dan that I felt like the moment I was in my doctors office getting the news was similar to when I take Jake in to get his shots.  He has no idea what is coming- but I do.  And even though he doesn't realize it in the painful moment that the needle is put into his skin, I am holding him tighter than I ever have and I feel like I feel every ounce of pain he feels.  Just like that God was near to me in that office when I got the news and the tears started to flow. 

Recently a friend posted this song on Facebook and I was so thankful for it because it was yet again a reminder that our pain and trials in this world are only temporary and do not go unnoticed.  Dan and I hope to have another baby some day.  I worry about being anxious if we get pregnant again.  Sometimes I worry about losing another child and wonder how I would get through it.  But worrying about tomorrow will get me nowhere.  God has shown me that He will get me through whatever comes my way.

Another thing that was helpful for me during the miscarriage was focusing on who God is.  I don't know why the miscarriage happened and I probably won't ever know.  But I know who God is and what He says:

• He will strengthen me and help me.. He will uphold me (Isaiah 41:10)
• When I pass through the waters He will be there and the rivers will not overwhelm me.  I will not be burned when I walk through the fires.  He is my savior and I am precious in His eyes and honored and He loves me (Isaiah 43)
• Though the mountains may move God's steadfast love for me will not depart from me- His covenant of peace will not be removed (Isaiah 54)
• God made the heavens and earth.. nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32)

Some other verses that helped:

• Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you, he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55)
• The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end,  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion,” says my soul," therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3)

Dan and I are getting a quote in our kitchen about inviting people to come into your life.  I love it so much because behind it is the bigger context of the quote:

"This is what I want you to do: I want you to tell someone you love them, and dinner’s at six. I want you to throw open your front door and welcome the people you love into the inevitable mess with hugs and laughter. Gather the people you love around your table and feed them with love and honesty and creativity, because there will be a day when it all falls apart. These are things I can’t change. Not one of them. Can’t fix, can’t heal, can’t put the broken pieces back together. But what I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and the mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for."

This past week I was reminded that life is messy after talking with a couple neighbors who opened up about the past trials in their life.  It's easy to be there for people when life is wonderful and easy but I want to be there for people when they are hurting.  My friends and family were amazing when we walked through this miscarriage and it was a constant reminder to me of how I hope to love others during their trials.  For me, just someone asking me how was I was doing was SO helpful.  I know it's scary to ask people how they are doing during a difficult time because you may not know what to say- trust me I've been there.  I've been silent and after this miscarriage I greatly regret it.  But don't worry.  You don't need to know what to say.  You just need to be someone who cares.  Honestly, just a simple "I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you" was so helpful to hear.  And offering a verse really helped me as well.  God was my greatest comfort during that time. 

This stage of life that I'm at- where most of the people I know are having a family or thinking about it- it's not easy.  There is a lot of trust and waiting and patience and that is what makes the joy even greater and the pain even harder.  But regardless of the outcome- whether we have another child or don't, this verse comes to mind:

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 27)

God is good.  Through it all His goodness will shine through.  Even though we go through trials in this life His goodness is still all around us.  To Him be the glory.