An encouraging conversation and some strawberry picking

I recently had a conversation with a friend who just kind of blew me away.  She's in her 30's and has already battled cancer- twice. Sitting in my living room, having Spiedie sandwiches (a staple here in Binghamton :)) and onion rings, she shared with me her story. Her story of how after she battled cancer the first time, she invited all of her friends on a weekend getaway and showered them with gifts to thank them for all their support, only to discover weeks before her trip that the cancer was back.

She shared with me some of the conversations she was able to have with her doctors about God.  She talked about the difficulties and her future of unknowns, but what surprised me the most out of everything she said was the ultimate trust she had in God.  She said her first reaction when the doctor said that it was cancer, was OK God, I trust you.  Let's do this. I have trouble trusting God with what I'm going to do in the afternoon with Jake when it's raining outside let alone handing God your life when you get the news that you have cancer and saying, "I trust you, God.  This situation isn't out of your control."

Recently I've been listening to this song during my quiet times, and the lyrics have been such an encouragement to me:

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul.

These past few weeks I've been asking God what He's doing in our lives and where He's taking us and it's easy for me to get caught up in our circumstances instead of simply trusting and being caught up in Him.  The unknown can be hard for a type A planner like me who can't sit still and simply "be."  So, hearing this particular friend open up about her unknowns and the trust she has every time she gets her scans done was just what my little heart needed to hear.

As my friend was leaving all I could say was thank you to her.  I just wanted to thank her for sharing her story with me, and for letting God use her trials for good.  It was such a privilege to hear how God is using her cancer to touch people in ways they probably have never experienced. She reminded me that we all have a story that God wants to use to reach people. As God taught me 4 years ago and apparently is still teaching me, "We are not profound or great, but what God is doing in our lives for His Kingdom is profound and great."

The Due Date.

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October 20th.  Back in April, the world I was envisioning at this moment looked very different.  Jake was welcoming a little brother or sister and I was re-learning how to nurse, swaddle, live on only 3 hours of continuous sleep, and then also adjusting to being a mom of two young kids.  But, the reality is that we're not there.  We are still a family of 3.  

My discipler from college this past weekend asked me how I was doing, and although this is only by the grace of God, I was able to say that I am actually thankful for what God has brought us through.  Do I wish I was holding our second baby in my arms today?  Of course.  But God has shown me that if I am willing and if I let him, He can use some of the most difficult seasons in my life for good.  You know that verse about God being close to the brokenhearted?  I really can attest that it is true.  I've never felt as sad, hopeless, anxious, and confused as I did after I found out we lost our baby.  But, I've also never experienced God in this way before.  He has revealed to me areas of my heart that needed to be worked on, but He has also drawn me closer to Him.

Now.  Can I be really honest with you?

I thought for sure by now I would be pregnant again.

 

Even up until this past month I remember envisioning what a sweet story it would be if I found out I was pregnant right before our baby's due date.  But I'm not.  It didn't happen.  And I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to let that soak in.  I don't think I realized it until this past week, but there was a part of me that was hoping I would be pregnant before October 20th because I thought that would make it easier to process my miscarriage. 

However, That was my story that I was writing.  That wasn't God's story.  And if there is anything I've learned during this past year, it is that I don't want my story, I want God's story for my life.

Kids are a gift.  A gift is given willingly to someone without payment.  I kind of have a history of wanting gifts before it's time. When Dan and I started talking about getting engaged and doing "pre- pre marital counseling" (yes we did that) I started to get just a tad impatient.  It was hard for me to not constantly imagine how Dan would pop the question.  Every date we went on led me to thoughts of "I wonder if this is the moment Dan is going to get down on one knee."  And unfortunately, if it wasn't, there was always a part of me that was sad.  The poor guy.  All Dan wanted to do was surprise me and I was pushing him to give me "his gift" before his timing.  And in the end, Dan's proposal and timing was so much better than I had even imagined.

With that being said, I'm learning how to "wait well."  If God decides to bless us with another child, He will.  Until then I am working on what it looks like to walk with God in this moment.  Just last week I heard a great message about sowing seeds and I've been asking God recently what kinds of "seeds" He wants me to sow  today.. as a mom of one baby toddler boy :)  He truly is teaching me about contentment in this particular season of my life.  So that is my prayer.  That I would honor and glorify God in this time of waiting.  Not where I hope to be, but right here, right now.  It's a process but I'm clinging to the promise that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion.  

Gaining Strength

About two weeks ago I was running around like a crazy person.  After just getting home from a weekend away, I came face to face with a midterm that I was so not prepared to take, a dirty apartment, lots of ironing and laundry, and no plans of what we were going to eat that week.  Naturally, I got in "Stef mode" and was go go for the next three days.

Then, as God always does, I was in Bible study and we were talking about Isaiah 30 and this verse obviously stuck out:

"... in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."

Isaiah 30:15

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It was like immediate conviction.  My strength was not coming from God, my strength was coming from myself- and I was wondering why I was going crazy.

Quietness.

Trust.

That is where I get my strength from.  Quietness before Him- asking Him for stength, seeking His priorities for the day.  Trust in Him- trusting Him that I will get done everything I "need" done and trusting that His grace will be sufficient for me. 

Busy seasons are times of testing for me.  It's like God is asking me "Ok Stef, here we go again.  The pressure is on.  You have a lot to get done.  Are you going to go into control mode.. or are you going to let go and let me guide you?"  I'm hoping to try the quietness and trust method next time for my strength :)

Happy Friday!!  (we're home this weekend- yay!)

The future & waiting

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 

 James 4:13-16

For the revelation awaits an appointed time...though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. 
Habakkuk 2:3 
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. 
Psalm 27:13-14

When a verse about the future "happens" to show up in my life twice in a week, and I just "happen" to be praying/ thinking/ stressing out about my future, I tend to take that as my cue that I better listen.  

Not only that... since reading that verse, two others about waiting (from Habakkuk and the Psalms) showed up in my Bible study this week.  I have been SO encouraged by the Lord  during this "period of waiting."

I started thinking about why I so badly wanted to know where we would be in a year, (or two... or three) and what direction we should go.  I never thought of my anxiousness as prideful, but this verse in James hit it on the nail for me.  I'm so worried about our future and where we're headed that not only do I miss out on the "now," but I find myself coveting the desire to appear like we have a plan- like my friends in med school or those in business that have careers with a pretty clear set of plans lined up for them.  I like that (false) sense of security of knowing the direction we are going.  

Sometimes I feel like that insecure 18 year old all over again getting asked what I want to do with my life as I go off to college.  Thankfully, James in this passage reminds me that even if I think I have a plan, we're not in control of our future and who am I to even say that I'll be here in a year?  Obviously, that doesn't mean we shouldn't plan anything for fear that tomorrow won't come, but I've realized the kind of plan I am looking for is definite.  I want to know exactly where we are headed and don't want anything to get in the way. 

Let's just say it's really difficult for me to dive into the unknown or hold my plans with an open hand.  I don't like surprises... ask Dan.  

And you know what?  The other day I was with some friends I hadn't seen in a while and they asked me how Dan and I were doing and what the next couple years brought for us, and it actually felt pretty good to just simply say "I'm not sure.  I genuinely have no idea what our next step is."

But, I'm ok with that.  Right now I'm relaxing in God's timing and enjoying the gift of today, knowing that He will direct us as long as we stay close to him (Habakkuk 2:3).  I'm trying to learn to enjoy "the now" and all the wonderful things that entails and be thankful.

You know what's even more convicting? Most of the verses that pertain to waiting in the Bible are meant to be an encouragement when people are in a really difficult situation.  I get impatient with waiting and we're not even going through a trial- we've actually experienced the opposite- lots of blessings this past year!   

So, I've finally started to learn something about the future.  That I will in fact, never know the specifics of my future.  So, while we have dreams and goals and hopes, we ultimately surrender them to God, wait for Him, and hold on for the ride. 

Pretty profound, right?  I have a feeling that this waiting is going to be easier "said" than "done."

PS: We're headed to Ohio/ Pennsylvania this weekend to go to a wedding and visit some family.  Hope you have a lovely weekend and happy fourth!

What I've been thinking about

"You make known to me"

God speaks to us. 

He shows & reveals

He wants us to know Him.

God knows, we don't.

We need God to reveal it to us.

I need to be listening.

I need to be ready.

I need to be seeking.

"The path of life"

God has to show us this path.

There is a right way.

There are many paths.

One that leads to life.

It's a journey. 

It requires following. 

"In your presence"

We have access to God. 

We can experience God.

We can stand before Him.

We can know we are near to Him.

We can be close to Him.

"There is fullness of joy"

Complete joy.

Don't need to search for joy anywhere else.

All the joy we need or want is in His presence.

An abundance of joy.

"At your right hand"

This is a part of God. 

He provides it.

 Coming from Him.

Close to Him.

"Are pleasures forever more"

Continual enjoyment.

Constantly available.

Never ending delight.

Eternal enjoyment is found in God.

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." - Psalm 16:11

You have only to be silent

There is something about Tim Keller that I love.  I don't know if it's how he crouches over the pulpit awkwardly at times or when he's giving a sermon how he appears to be enjoying a casual conversation over coffee, but there is something about this guy that makes following Jesus seem so simple.  I love that.

He had so much to say I would be doing him a disservice by attempting to rewrite it all here, but there were a couple things that really stuck with me from his talk.

1. Silence.  When Moses was leading the Israelites out of Egypt they were complaining- a lot.  And they're lying about things they said earlier and trying to convince themselves that they would have rather been in Egypt doing all that backbreaking slave work.  So I guess that makes them delirious, too.  Anyway, amidst their crazy talk, Moses gives them this reminder:

 "fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today . . . the Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent."  Ex 14:13

For some reason Moses is saying something my mom would say: "I'm going to do something about it so just trust me, sit back, and be quiet!"  And that's totally why Moses was the leader- He knows how great their God is and what He is doing.  He doesn't get caught up in the circumstances of their situation.  He doesn't fall back into that rut of the "If only's" (If only we had stayed in Egypt- If only we wouldn't have followed you), he doesn't see fear and immediately think they are going to die.  As much as I want to identify with Moses, there are many times I am the Israelite.  Complaining.  Deceived.  Without hope.  Upset.  Not trusting.  Thank goodness for the next point.

2. Grace.  God is going to grant them access to cross the Red Sea.  Amidst their complaining and distrust, God is going to save them and do it in an amazing way to display His power.  They can do nothing but trust Him.  They're not participating, they're not holding up the water - God is the one doing the work.  That's what grace is all about- God delivering us from bondage and sin.  I love that when God shows us His grace- our only reaction is to accept it.  When His grace is displayed we see how amazing God is and how helpless we are and our only reaction is to trust Him.  

"Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in His servant Moses." Ex 14:31

What a wonderful ending.   (well, for now)

Keller talks a lot about bondage and makes a lot of other great parallels to the Gospel from the OT so if you're interested you can listen to it at the Gospel Coalition's site!

An Undeserving Gift

Almost everyone I know owns a flat screen.  The T.V. posted above, is our T.V.  Now, as a disclaimer, I am SO thankful that Dan's parents gave us this television.  I am pretty sure Dan used this in college, and now we've used it the past 3 years and I am so thankful to have a T.V.  But, after getting our security deposit back and a nice tax return, I started "pressuring" Dan to look into getting a new T.V.  As another disclaimer: we don't even have cable and I'm not a movie buff (unless its Denzel :) - I wanted a new one purely for aesthetic reasons.  Dan and I talked about it and he finally gave in.  I was SO excited and ready to go out and get one right away.  We went to Best Buy and found a couple deals, but after talking it over (and Dan talking to his friend Brian haha) we decided to hold off.  We were in no rush so we wanted to keep looking.

Fast forward to that night.  I start doing my quiet time and praying about contentment and our debt... and conviction sets in.  We have a PERFECTLY fine working television.  Yes you have to hit the remote a couple times to get it to work- and yes the power button is broken so you actually have to stand up (gasp) and walk to the television and hit the power button on the actual T.V. to turn it on, but other than that- it works.  Buying a T.V. is not aligned with our goal of paying off debt. So, I tell Dan my thoughts and he agrees that we should wait to purchase a television and put that money toward our loans.  I thought I'd be sad but I actually felt very content with our decision and was looking forward to paying off our loans quicker with our added "bonus" money.

Fast forward to the night after that (is that confusing? haha it was Monday night).  Our friend Cam calls me and says he has to drop something off.  I tell him he can come over whenever, and when he gets there Dan goes down to let him in.  I'm in the middle of eating my pasta when Dan tells me to "go outside."  I'm a little confused, but I get up, open our door, and there stands Cam, with this:

Yep, Cam gave us his 42 inch flat screen T.V.  How ridiculous is that?  He didn't even know about our T.V. dilemma!  He just knew we were some friends who didn't have a flat screen T.V, and since he didn't have room for it right now he just gave it to us.  Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was disbelief, but then this verse popped into my head: 

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matt 7:11

Not only am I in awe of Cam and his generosity (because he is SO generous for giving away his own T.V. to us) but I'm so in awe of how great our God is.  This was totally a want.  God promises to supply our needs, but a flat screen T.V. is not a need- it's a want.  I have to admit I sometimes get nervous about the thought of possibly going into ministry.  I picture us in 10 years with 5 kids (if Dan gets his way haha) and living in an expensive city (like Chicago lol) on a $30,000 salary and really struggling to get by.  I know- it's ridiculous to even THINK those things, but I do.  Yet, God over and over again reminds me that He is going to take care of us abundantly more than we can even imagine.  I'm still in awe as I write this.  Want to know the best part of this situation?  It's that every time I look at our television, I am not only reminded of a friend's amazing generosity, but by how much our God loves us and wants to give us good gifts.



:)

New beginning

Since I finished my Philippians study, I had to start to plan what book of the Bible I would go through next. As I trucked it across campus (aka a 30 second walk) to the new student center, I was pretty excited to get out of the office and spend some time with the Lord OUTSIDE. I started flipping through the pages and realized that I hadn't read through Hebrews since my mission trip to Macedonia about- gosh 5 years ago now?! So I started reading. The little summary that the wonderful editors of my ESV Bible included said that Hebrews was written "to encourage people during a trial. The author did this by focusing on the supremacy and sufficiency of Christ." So basically focusing on who Jesus is and what He did for us on the cross should be an encouragement- enough so to get me through some tough times. After reading through Chapter 1 Jesus had a pretty impressive resume about being the

• heir of all things
• creating the world
• upholding the universe by the power of His word
• making purification of our sins
• never changing
• creating the heavens out of His hands
• and many other things.

Obviously the author of Hebrews was trying to show the people of his time that Jesus was not just ANY other person- He was the Son of God. This morning I was listening to a "Truth for Life" podcast by Allistair Begg and he mentioned how when Jesus was on trial, Pontius Pilate asked Jesus "Do you know who I am? I have the authority to release you and authority to crucify you." I almost stopped my car. Did Pontius Pilate seriously give Jesus attitude by asking if "He knew who HE was?" Hello! Did he know who he was talking to?! That list above- that's who Jesus was!

As a side note, I always tell people that I struggle with relating to the "wicked people" in the Bible. I always look at people like the Pharisees and pretend I'm next to Jesus saying " you tell 'em!" When in reality Jesus is looking over at me wondering who's side I'm actually on. Wellll God's been great in showing me I'm actually much more like the Pharisees than I think I am. Definitely a humbling feeling. This is how I was with Pilate this morning- thinking I would never ask Jesus "do you know who I am?" Well, the more I thought about it... the more I realized I have. Even just recently with our car situation. Most of you know that we have this plan to pay off our debt, and now getting a new car is definitely going to set us back a couple months. And, I have to admit that when I realized how much it would set us back, I prayed to God saying "Don't you know the plan? Haven't you seen how close we are and what Dan and I have been doing?"

So, in conclusion, during this "debt trial" I need to remember who Jesus is. If He's holding the universe by His power, I think He's got our "debt timeline" under control. I'm encouraged already :)