After looking up the following definitions I found myself relating all too much to what the apostles felt:
Perplexed: Filled with uncertainty. Puzzled. Baffled. Confounded.
Despair: Lose hope or confidence. To lose heart.
Right before Jake was born Dan and I were faced with a pretty difficult situation. It wasn't difficult in a sense that most people would think, but it was difficult because we found ourselves questioning our calling and feeling rather confused about our future. Dan was offered a job that appeared to be a dream job for anyone in our position. He would receive great training that would jump start a new career for him- the type of one we had been pursuing and praying about for the past four years. On paper, it was the perfect opportunity.
Well, this is where you insert the big "but" for us. For some reason, we did not feel a peace about the decision. Don't get me wrong, we didn't base our whole decision on feeling, there were other aspects of the job that had its red flags. However we could have overlooked those had we felt the excitement, passion, and desire that we felt should have been there. I actually prayed that I would feel it. It would make things so much easier for us. Yet after weeks of praying it never came and so we had to say no. We knew that we couldn't accept the job offer.
Needless to say we were perplexed- really confused about why that job wasn't meant for us. And to be honest with you, I have to admit that at times I was (and still can be) driven to despair. I start to lose hope in where God is taking us and the plan he has for our future. We have questioned if we did the right thing because the job seemed so right.
However, if we go back to the text, afterwards Paul talks about how the apostles carried the death of Jesus in their bodies so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. Paul is saying that it's not going to be easy- we're going to face trouble, loneliness, hardship, and be confused, however this happens so that Jesus will be glorified. Adversity is not inconsistent with the Christian life- and it is in that very weakness that the life of Jesus will be revealed.
That is where I find hope. I find hope that somewhere in this perplexing situation Jesus is going to use it. I can be assured that God still has a plan for our family and He is still going to use us, even if it doesn't go the way we thought it would. And so once again, I am brought to a place of dependency- not on myself but on God and His leading regarding our future.
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