I seriously cannot recommend this book enough. I purchased it on our kindle for something like 2.99 and it was some of the best money I have spent- honestly! I have learned SO much from Jeannie Cunnion and she gives such practical wisdom on how to parent. There are a lot of good "theoretical" parenting books out there, and don't get me wrong, I love those and you really need those, but Jeannie does such a great mix of both- sharing her heart behind how to parent well and then gives examples of how to do that (by God's grace). She also gives some great resources from other authors throughout her book as well. So Lord willing, I will just give a short review and not basically copy and paste her whole book here :) I am not going to cover every chapter but these were some things that really stuck out to me.
Main Theme
Her main point: raising wholehearted kids: kids who live in the freedom found in being wholeheartedly and unconditionally loved by God. Her first few chapters are spent on speaking directly to parents and encouraging us to make sure we are spending time with God so that our kids can get the best parts of us. I wrote down this verse to memorize on the tough days "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9.
First things First
A huge take away for me was how we approach "seeds" ie: prayer, Bible reading, scripture memorization, worship, and service with our kids. She created a chart that showed how we first need to teach our kids about their identity in Christ- reminding them that they are unconditionally loved by God, then we can encourage the "seeds" because those things nurture and develop their identity in Christ. You can't force prayer, Bible reading, etc without first sharing who God is and what that means for our kids, or they will reach a point where they start wondering why we are forcing them to read the Bible, serve other people, etc. We want to first share the "why" we do these things- and it's not a check list to earn favor with God, it's to nurture our relationship with God because of what He has done for us.
Prayer
I LOVED her tips on how to teach your kids how to pray. Some of us have heard of the adults version of "ACTS: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication." Basically it is a helpful acronym for what to pray. She created something similar for kids to help teach them how to pray: Wow (God you are so great because...) , I'm sorry (please forgive me for ...), Thank you, and Please. She also said if your kids are resisting prayer/ are uncomfortable, to ask them questions like "where did you experience God today?" or "what were your highs or lows" so this can start to show your kids that God is in the details of their life.
Life Verse
Dan and I picked out a verse for Jake when he was born and it is basically our "prayer" for him in a way (1 Samuel 12:24). However I liked what Jennie does with hers- she picks a verse that God put on her heart either when she got pregnant with them or when they were born. She wants them to read that verse knowing that God started their story even before they can remember. It is a reminder that God is for them, He has a purpose for their life and they are apart of something greater. Basically she wants to show them that this is how their "story" started.
Worship
Do I present church/ worship as something we have to do or something we get to do? In church am I smiling at them or snuggling with them or am I constantly correcting and shushing?
Obedience
This part of her book not only changed my parenting view, but changed my view of God in general. She shared that how we present to our kids the question of "why do we obey God's Word and follow His 'rules' in the Bible?" is huge. And her response was so helpful to me: Aren't God's instructions for righteous living an invitation to experience a more intimate relationship with Him? Aren't His commandments intended to equip and bless us for the purpose of which we were created for? Isn't His call to obedience actually the blueprint to abundant life and freedom from slavery to sin? Jeannie encouraged us to share with our kids that we don't obey God's word because we have to- we actually obey God's Word because that is what brings us JOY. God created us and therefore He knows how humans work. He knows that we experience freedom when we confess our sin and say we are sorry that is why He tells us to do so. God knows that this world doesn't offer things that ultimately bring true satisfaction that is why He tells us to read His Word and spend time in prayer because those are the things that bring true satisfaction in life.
Freedom
She also shares how there is so much freedom in embracing the fact that our primary purpose in life is not to point to ourselves as the ultimate model for our kids but to point away from ourselves and to Jesus. Am I more focused on what I want my kids to be doing or am I pointing them back to their need for Jesus and what He has done for them?
Respect
Another tip I love is that she says to constantly ask questions such as, "How does it make you feel when you are left out or someone takes a toy from you?" If we ask questions our kids are required to think deeply about what they are doing as opposed to us just saying, "Give that toy back!"
Self Control
I probably should memorize this chapter considering the toddler phase I am in right now. She had some great advice for me. First, she said I need to show a spirit of self control or I will teach my kids to do what I'm doing- outbursts, yelling, etc. Here were some tips she gave that worked for her 3 boys were these when it came to helping them with self control:
- Have them show her their hands if they were hitting
- Use words not hands
- Help them come up with a plan of how to handle themselves
- Count or take deep breaths
Kindness
Each of our kids were created with unique gifts so encourage your kids to celebrate each others successes. As a mom, we need to remember that kindness leads to repentance, so are we being kind and building up our kids or are we tearing them down?
Thankfulness
In a world that is filled with so much entitlement, this is going to be a difficult one to implement, but my prayer is that we can raise Jake to be thankful- realizing everything he has is a gift from God. I also want to foster an overwhelming awareness of God's grace by teaching him what Jesus has done. Instead of allowing our kids to complain, we can have them name something they are thankful for- being thankful changes the trajectory of our hearts.
Peacemaking
I loved this chapter because who doesn't want a peaceful home? She first tackles the issue of tattling and asks her kids when they are tattling, "are you being a peacemaker or trying to get your brother in trouble?" She identifies that the root of tattling with her kids (and most kids) is pride and self righteousness- I'm the good guy and he's the bad guy. One of her main points in this chapter is to encourage your kids to develop problem solving skills to solve issue themselves as opposed to coming to her at the first sign of an argument- and she gives some helpful steps on how she does this.
Authority, Training, and Instructing
I seriously underlined almost everything in these chapters but I'll spare you all of those details. As with most parenting books I've read recently- she agrees that you shouldn't make kids obey out of fear and guilt because it doesn't change the heart. I liked her principle of "respectful and reasonable." When she asks her kids to do something (whether it's leaving the park, coming to the kitchen to eat, etc) she expects them to listen and obey, however, they can ask a reasonable request in a respectful manner, such as "Can I come to the table after I'm done reading this page?" Some parenting books talk about how your kids need to listen right away without delay, but I like her principle because it seems more realistic to me (allowing your kids to respectfully ask questions as opposed to obeying immediately every single time) and she is encouraging her kids not to wine and complain. Another take away from this chapter for me was when she encouraged parents to use specifics when praising your kids or asking them questions. Instead of asking, "are you being a good boy?" ask, "are you being kind and gentle? Or are you being a peacemaker?" I lastly loved how she encouraged parents not to always be on "sin patrol" but to look for the moments where we can encourage them- and to also be specific with that as well.
Discipline
Jeannie begins this chapter by encouraging us to teach our kids about sin and what it does to our hearts, mind, and soul. We have to tell them about sin so they see themselves in need of a Savior. We also want to tell our kids that we discipline them because we want them to grow into the man (or woman) of God that they were created to be. We need to come alongside them to help them understand the root of sin, instead of responding to our kids by saying, "How could you?" when they do something wrong. Those are big opportunities to tell our kids about Jesus. I know this may seem so obvious, but even her talking about setting realistic expectations was really helpful for me to read, such as don't expect your toddler to be a perfect angel if you're taking them out to eat at 8:30 at night. These are the steps she uses when she disciplines:
1. Why are you being disciplined (explain what they did)
2. Why did you disobey? (point to our fallen nature- aka sin)
3. How could you have responded differently? (good time to point them to Bible verses)
4. Now- Discipline (usually it is a logical consequence that correlates to the behavior such as a loss of privilege, time out, or spanking)
I know that was way more than I intended on writing but this book had SUCH good stuff in it that I wanted to share it all. I have this problem where I can't just read books, I need to underline things then take notes on it later. It seriously helps me remember all the info better (I guess I still think I'm in grad school lol) Anyway, I hope you were encouraged by this in one way or another :) Obviously if you're a parent, I highly recommend this book!
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