Thoughts on our miscarriage

For a while I've been wanting to write about our miscarriage again.  For weeks after it happened I kept a record of any thought - good or bad- that came into my mind about our experience in my journal.  And it was so helpful for me to process what happened.  For me to really get over it I needed to face all the emotions that came with a miscarriage and that was hard.  It was hard because everyone's miscarriage is so different.  Yes I already had a kid.  Yes we weren't trying for another baby when we got pregnant with the baby we lost.  But it still hurt.  We still lost a child.  And it took me a while to admit to myself that it was ok to be sad about that.  I found myself thinking that there are other people who don't have kids and they miscarry so that's even harder.  There are people who miscarry at 20 weeks and we only miscarried at 14 so their pain is greater.  And it may have been.  But I still experienced pain and still lost a child so I needed to grieve that.

The miscarriage made me realize what a huge blessing it was that I carried Jake to full term.  The fact that he is a beautiful, healthy baby is not something everyone experiences and shouldn't be taken for granted.  And while it reminded me what a blessing Jake is, God also reminded me that I can't put my hope in Jake.  I can't say "well at least I have Jake" because if anything the miscarriage reminded me that I am only entrusted to be Jake's mom for so long, just as I was only supposed to carry my second baby for 14 weeks.  And while I hope that I am Jake's mom for my whole entire life that isn't promised to me.  So I can't hope in Jake, I need to hope in God alone.  He is the only solid hope I have in this world. 

I still think about the baby.  I still think about how far along I would be if I was pregnant right now.  Exactly 2 months from today would have been my due date and that's hard to think about.  But God has taught me so much through it.  He's taught me that He was nearer than ever to me during that difficult time.  He was closer than ever in my OBGYN's office when I got the news that there was no heartbeat.  Even though I didn't feel Him-  He was there.  I told Dan that I felt like the moment I was in my doctors office getting the news was similar to when I take Jake in to get his shots.  He has no idea what is coming- but I do.  And even though he doesn't realize it in the painful moment that the needle is put into his skin, I am holding him tighter than I ever have and I feel like I feel every ounce of pain he feels.  Just like that God was near to me in that office when I got the news and the tears started to flow. 

Recently a friend posted this song on Facebook and I was so thankful for it because it was yet again a reminder that our pain and trials in this world are only temporary and do not go unnoticed.  Dan and I hope to have another baby some day.  I worry about being anxious if we get pregnant again.  Sometimes I worry about losing another child and wonder how I would get through it.  But worrying about tomorrow will get me nowhere.  God has shown me that He will get me through whatever comes my way.

Another thing that was helpful for me during the miscarriage was focusing on who God is.  I don't know why the miscarriage happened and I probably won't ever know.  But I know who God is and what He says:

• He will strengthen me and help me.. He will uphold me (Isaiah 41:10)
• When I pass through the waters He will be there and the rivers will not overwhelm me.  I will not be burned when I walk through the fires.  He is my savior and I am precious in His eyes and honored and He loves me (Isaiah 43)
• Though the mountains may move God's steadfast love for me will not depart from me- His covenant of peace will not be removed (Isaiah 54)
• God made the heavens and earth.. nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32)

Some other verses that helped:

• Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you, he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55)
• The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end,  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion,” says my soul," therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3)

Dan and I are getting a quote in our kitchen about inviting people to come into your life.  I love it so much because behind it is the bigger context of the quote:

"This is what I want you to do: I want you to tell someone you love them, and dinner’s at six. I want you to throw open your front door and welcome the people you love into the inevitable mess with hugs and laughter. Gather the people you love around your table and feed them with love and honesty and creativity, because there will be a day when it all falls apart. These are things I can’t change. Not one of them. Can’t fix, can’t heal, can’t put the broken pieces back together. But what I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and the mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for."

This past week I was reminded that life is messy after talking with a couple neighbors who opened up about the past trials in their life.  It's easy to be there for people when life is wonderful and easy but I want to be there for people when they are hurting.  My friends and family were amazing when we walked through this miscarriage and it was a constant reminder to me of how I hope to love others during their trials.  For me, just someone asking me how was I was doing was SO helpful.  I know it's scary to ask people how they are doing during a difficult time because you may not know what to say- trust me I've been there.  I've been silent and after this miscarriage I greatly regret it.  But don't worry.  You don't need to know what to say.  You just need to be someone who cares.  Honestly, just a simple "I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you" was so helpful to hear.  And offering a verse really helped me as well.  God was my greatest comfort during that time. 

This stage of life that I'm at- where most of the people I know are having a family or thinking about it- it's not easy.  There is a lot of trust and waiting and patience and that is what makes the joy even greater and the pain even harder.  But regardless of the outcome- whether we have another child or don't, this verse comes to mind:

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 27)

God is good.  Through it all His goodness will shine through.  Even though we go through trials in this life His goodness is still all around us.  To Him be the glory.

That day we went to the PGA golf tournament

I mentioned last time how I would update you on a pretty entertaining story... so here it goes.

If you have never been to a golf tournament in person, you may not fully appreciate the extent of what happened to me.  However, I think that simply watching a golf tournament on TV would suffice for you to get the idea that when someone is golfing... you are quiet.  Like super quiet.  For instance- I was at one hole and one of the "security people" on the golf course asked a golf cart that was about 20 yards away driving by to stop driving because it was making too much noise.  So when I say quiet I mean dead silence.

Next scene.  Dan is at the "taste of NY" booth working for Kraft.  I decide to take a little stroll with Jake and we end up at one hole where the golfers are on the putting green.  Thinking this could be a fun "mother - son" moment, I take Jake out of the stroller and tell him we are going to watch the golfers.  We are pointing at them and having fun.  Everything is great.  Until, I realize it is taking longer than anticipated for the golfers to putt (apparently they need to analyze the green or something before every shot) so we start walking a little bit away from the hole.  No big deal, Jake is having fun and people are smiling at the cute boy walking in the grass. 

Then, I realize we are getting kind of far away from our stroller.  Since I had things like phones, wallets, ipad, etc. in my purse in the stroller.. I start to "gently encourage" Jake to walk in the other direction.  I should have known better.  I really don't know what I was thinking.  When Jake is walking he is in his own little world and wants to go where he wants to go, so if mom gets in the way of that, he gets unhappy.  Very unhappy.  So Jake loses it.  Falls on the grass and starts screaming.  I kid you not, approximately 1,000 people turn to stare at us, seeing as it is DEAD QUIET because people are 20 feet away golfing.  I even try to put my hand over his mouth to muffle the screaming but as you can imagine, that just made him more angry.  So I run to grab the stroller and start jogging away- meanwhile hearing people mutter "Why would you bring a kid to a golf tournament?"

Mortifying can barely describe how I felt.  Since I only passed one other mom with a stroller at the tournament, I felt like every person was staring at me the rest of the time because they knew I was "that" mom with the kid that started screaming when golfers were putting.  I know I'm totally exaggerating.. but then again am I? 

So that's it.  One of the top most embarrassing moments of my life.  Never again will I take a child under the age of 5 to a golf tournament.  Even then I will question a 5 year old because this experience has scarred me for life.  I definitely am not blaming Jake at all.  He's a baby and doesn't know you're supposed to be quiet at a golf tournament... so I take on full responsibility for his behavior.  Being a mother is so incredibly humbling sometimes. 

  

A little bit of everything

Thanks for bearing with me as I put up every single one of our vacation pictures.  I wanted you to feel like you didn't miss a second of our full 7 days in Florida... which after the 50 pictures I posted, I'm sure you didn't ;) So I'll spare you our PGA tour pictures and a story of one of my most embarrassing moments to date in my life until next time.  Oh yes. Get excited.

Life since vacation has been spent mostly getting little things done around our house.  We are trying to explore the city of Binghamton but working on maintaining a delicate balance of work vs. fun. While the boxes are emptied, things like putting up pictures and mirrors and yard work are still on our to do list... and the dreaded painting.  We've been avoiding that one.  Painting with a little guy running around can be very difficult.  Oh and we found mold in our basement.  Even though our previous owner spent $3500 getting rid of it two months ago. oye.

Recently though, I have been reading some encouraging blogs which has gotten me thinking about how much I really enjoy being apart of the "blogging community."  Although you don't need a record of blog posts written down to make your life significant, there is something so encouraging about getting a small window into the lives of other moms and how they run their family, seek the Lord, and just have fun with their kids.  I know the internet can be an idol and keep us from doing important things, but recently I have found it to be a huge encouragement to me while I've been out here in NY without much community.  These have been my favorite "newer" ones that I've been checking out recently:

http://www.carissagraham.com/

http://www.wifeysinger.com/

http://www.theflourishblog.com/

http://www.shortstopblog.com/

Along those lines God's been teaching me about thankfulness... again.  A while back I posted about how I was going through One Thousand Gifts and now as I'm memorizing James the verse where he says,

 "every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change"

has been really encouraging.  And I was reading Psalm 104 where God reminded me that
 
"He causes the grass to grow for the livestock

and plants for man to cultivate,

that he may bring forth food from the earth

and wine to gladden the heart of man,

oil to make his face shine

and bread to strengthen man's heart."

 

Everything is from Him and for His glory.  And He gives us such good gifts- even in this fallen and broken world there are glimpses of His good gifts everywhere and I am trying to be more mindful of them and pointing them out to Jake in the process.

Hope you have a wonderful start to your week :)

Captiva Continued

You thought I was done.  Oh, friends.  We seriously took SO many pictures.  Don't worry, we are almost done :) 

Captiva is a really chill place.  There are only a few restaurants so we only went out one night, which actually was really nice with Jake.  We would normally put him to bed and then cook and eat dinner and then play fish bowl.  We had a pretty good routine going by the end of the week.  Even though we're not in sunny Florida, I am actually enjoying the 70 degree weather up here in NY.  I don't know how you people survive down there.  If I wasn't by a pool or beach all week I would have been dying.  So that's why Captiva was nice because we basically lived in our bathing suits :)

So without further adieu... here are the last of the pics from our vaca!

It rained some days in the afternoon but it was a nice break from the sun :)

My dad reading on the porch

lots of naps were taken

Our one night out!

My dad turned the big 6-0 in June so we celebrated on this trip!  We also celebrated my mom's b day

Jake loves giving kisses.  It's so cute :)

Jake LOVES that lamb.  I seriously wash it every other day.

Yes my husband is ripped. :)

The guys went kayaking!

Love this pic :)

This is what Jake does when we ask him to show us his muscles lol

Yes our golf cart got stuck in the sand.

Can you tell he liked the ice cream?

Captiva: Our first couple days

I have to admit I was a little nervous taking Jake to the beach.  The beach to me has always meant relaxation.  Sleeping in, going on morning runs, reading tons of books, falling asleep on the beach... and at the pool...  To put it simply... it's all about me and what I want to do.  If there's anything I've learned in the past 14 months, it's that being a mom is anything but sitting around wandering what I want to do.  That's definitely not a bad thing, it's just different.  So I knew that our first trip to the beach would be just that: different.  And honestly it went better than I imagined.  Obviously there was my mom who was willing to watch Jake every morning while I went on a run, and  5 other sets of eyes able to watch him as he inched closer to the edge of the pool, but it was so fun to watch him take it all in.  He's at this stage where everything is new.  The birds, the waves, the sea shells.  It was so fun for me to have a fresh new view of the ocean and to see all the little intricacies that I take for granted through his little eyes.  And he's understanding more things every day.  Just yesterday I told him we needed to get his shoes before we could go on a walk, and in an instant he grabbed my hand and walked me over to the closet and started pulling on the door knob- he knew where his shoes were.  I have a feeling this kid knows much more than I give him credit for.  Anyway, it made this trip that much more fun.  Sure it wasn't my typical beach trip that I went on with my family in college, but it was even more fun to watch Jake for the first time take it all in. 

We did a date night :)

I love all these laughing pics with Uncle Jon!

Uncle Jon did Jakes hair lol

Jake LOVES being chased. Everywhere.

We played fish bowl almost every night.  Look at how excited everyone looks :) But seriously it was really fun.

Oh how I missed the beach.

Last week we were at the beach.  I have been looking forward to this week ALL summer long!  And it was everything I imagined it to be.  Sunsets (and sunrises thanks to a certain little man...) grilling, fish sandwiches, reading on the porch, hanging out in the pool, mudslides, sand everywhere.  I could go on and on but it was wonderful.  A huge thanks to my family who got a home for us all to stay in and coordinated all the details.  We literally jumped on a plane and headed south to Captiva Island! 

I seriously have close to 200 pictures so I am going to tame it down and only post a couple at a time, but here is a preview of our week.  It was so fun watching Jake point at every bird he saw and splash around in the pool and ocean.  Granted I don't think he was used to the heat, but with uncles and aunts and grandparents around, there were lots of helping hands which made the week much easier on Dan and I!  It's always hard to be back from vacation.  There are lots of bills to be paid.. grass to be cut... homes to be cleaned... and still lots of moving stuff (breaking down boxes, changing out drivers licenses and license plates, looking up new doctors offices, figuring out paint colors, etc) however, we had a refreshing week so it makes it easier to be back and dive into everything.  Plus, we have a couple more trips planned to see family and friends before the end of the summer so we don't feel *too* alone out here in NY :) Happy Monday!