A lesson over Mac and Cheese

So tonight, being the stellar mom that I am, I was making Jake some mac and cheese for dinner.  Before you start throwing judgement my way, I didn't use the blue box which requires difficult operations of the stove, I used the small cup where you simply fill the water up to the designated line and heat it up for 3 minutes in the microwave.  Now you may judge.

Jake, was LOVING the fact that I was making him something in the microwave so he asked that I pick him up to see.  Since I was simultaneously making myself a summer pasta (side note: super good recipe from Pinterest) I didn't have the free hands to hold him for the 3 minutes so I pulled a chair up to the microwave and let him stand on it to watch his pasta go in circles.  (Oh the joy toddlers find in things lol)

When it beeped, I brought the powdered cheese packet over to pour in but Jake insisted on doing it himself.  I knew exactly where this was going.  In that moment, I had a choice- do it myself and make sure I avoid a mess, OR let him try.  I opened a super small sliver in the corner for him to pour the cheese out of and told him that the best part of this exercise was getting all of the cheese in the pasta cup.  Of course, he shook it vigorously and the cheese went everywhere, to which he pointed at the floor and said "Uh Oh!"  Sighing, I replied under my breath, "Yes, Jake, that is exactly the uh oh I was trying to avoid."  And then, in true toddler fashion, he did something that totally threw me off.  He looked at me and said, "Thank you, Mama!"  Then he crawled off the chair and headed to play with his mower until his mac and cheese cooled down.

This parenting thing has totally rocked my world.  I have this child who thanks me for giving him the opportunity to put powdered cheese in his mac and cheese, and I'm left about ready to cry in the kitchen because he is so thankful for such a small thing that I just viewed as such an inconvenience.

And then that made me think of the other day when we were at a friends birthday party and he is chasing around a bunch of kids.  Of course, Jake gravitates toward the older kids and starts running around with them.  They start to run behind a shed and from a distance I see Jake start to follow them.  The kids emerge from the other side but I don't see Jake.  I start to walk over there to figure out where he went and I see him slowly walking around the other way.  I'm sure what happened is these kids ran too fast for him and he just turned around because he realized he couldn't catch up.

That night, laying in bed, I was thinking about the day and Jake playing with those kids, and I literally started tearing up.  This was the first time where I witnessed Jake feeling "left out" and it completely broke my heart.  (way more than it bothered Jake lol)  I don't think that Jake thought about it for more than 2 seconds, but my mommy protective heart felt overwhelmed by what was to come.  I started thinking about middle school and the awkward moments and the heartbreaks and the cliques and I didn't ever want him to experience that kind of hurt.

And it reminded me of this picture I saw on Pinterest the other day:

via

I honestly don't know if a picture like this should go in a nursery or in my bedroom.  This little guy has stolen my heart and sometimes the love I feel for him is so overwhelming it scares me.  It scares me because I feel myself wanting to shield him from everything awful in this world and anything that can hurt him, and then I become even more scared because I realize that is impossible.  And that's when I realize that this is true parenting.  Yes, I loved Jake when he was 2 months and 6 months and 18 months, but this feeling I have for him, it's just beginning the long journey in parenthood. This balance of letting go and holding on and training and raising up and preparing to go out on his own is hard stuff and let's be honest, I haven't even really gotten my feet wet.  Parenting is such a huge blessing and privilege and so so hard all at the same time.  And I find myself thanking God one moment for the amazing gift and questioning Him the next wondering how he could ever entrust our little man to me.

And then I remember the gospel.  That God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that we could spend eternity in heaven.  That He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world.  And I remember that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.  And I can breath easy because I know that we have a God who loves Jake even more than I do or ever could.  And this Savior loves me just as much and doesn't leave me to do this parenting thing on my own.  And I am so thankful because I don't know how I could do this alone, because  really, you can't.

And all this came from a little boy thanking his mom for letting him help prepare his mac and cheese.