About three years ago I was yearning for this place. I didn't want to be that person that was always rushed anymore. I wanted to be at the place where I could take a deep breath and just be right where I was. Not constantly thinking of the next thing to do.
But I wasn't. I was that person that almost always gave off the "I've got so much on my plate" vibe, and although I wanted things to change, I found a certain identity in it all. Tim Challies says this:
“Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day.”
And while I didn't want to be rushed anymore, I believed and was living the statement above. If I was busy, then I had purpose. And now that I'm not busy, it's easy for me to believe the lie that in a way, I don't have as much of a purpose as I did before, when I had more on my plate.
When I got pregnant so quickly after Jake, I remember thinking this makes sense God. I know it will be busy and totally crazy at times but that is how I roll. I always have a lot on my plate and you know I can handle it.
And then we lost that baby. And then we moved to a place far away from our friends and family. I could no longer find my identity in my job at Trinity, or how many Bible studies I led, or classes I was taking in seminary, or how many coffee dates I had set up with the friends we made in Chicago. It's as if God was telling me, "yes I know you can handle more, and I've seen you handle more, but that's not where I want you to find your identity anymore."
A while ago I read this devotional from a conference. Because I've been in the seminary world I know that this person can be kind of controversial, however what she said in this devotional spoke truth to my little heart.
In it she asked a bold question: "What is the truth of the gospel that your life is declaring? Is it your own belief that you have to earn, work hard, run faster, do more? Or are you walking in the unforced rhythms of grace, abiding in the vine, a friend of God?"
If I gave off the vibes that I was unapproachable because of my busyness, what was my life declaring? Was I drawing people in to see more of God? Was I giving the lost world a glimpse of the abundant life I have found in Christ?
And these questions are just as applicable to my life now as they were three years ago. How I live my life says something about Christ, and I desperately want people to see a glimpse of how awesome it is to walk with Jesus. I want people to see that I'm not striving to find my identity in anything I do but simply in Christ. And I want people to see that having an identity in Christ alone is so incredibly freeing.
Right now God is teaching me a lot about my identity (can you tell? lol). And He's using this slower paced life to show me a lot about myself. So I'm working on enjoying and embracing this "new" place that God has called me to. I'm working on not striving to be at the next place God has for me. And I'm working on simply enjoying and thanking Him for where He has me because when I have more time to be fully present where I am, it gives me more of an opportunity to see God in every moment of my day.
Especially in little, chubby finger painted hands :)
Especially in little, chubby finger painted hands :)
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