To the mom with the screaming child

For some reason this last month has been one of the most humbling for me as a mom.  On two separate occasions we have had public meltdowns that on a scale of one to ten have seriously rivaled a 9.  Since then, I've often thought about how I could write one of those letters titled, "an open letter to the mom with the screaming child at target" because I am now that mom.  And I have felt the stares and judgments, and I feel like there is no amount of apologies I can say to passerbys to make the situation look any better. 

And sadly I used to be that person, with no parenting experience might I add, who didn't believe the best and made critical judgments.  Who just assumed that parent didn't have their child under control and that if that parent had a good discipline regimen public meltdowns wouldn't happen.  Oh my word was I so wrong.  And clearly I never had been in a public place with a toddler when they were not getting their way.  In all honesty, I am so ashamed that any of those thoughts crossed my mind.  Even though I didn't know the details of the situation I witnessed back in the day, more than likely that parent had actually made the right / best decision.  They most likely said "no" to buying that toy or candy bar their child grabbed in the check out line.  And most likely it was a parent sticking their ground and being consistent that led to disappointment for the child.  But I wouldn't have known that.  Instead, I secretly vowed in my mind I would be a "better parent."

This past month I have on more than one occasion questioned everything I've read or learned about parenting.  I even resorted to google and found some, how do I put this kindly, interesting discipline theories.  And then I finally just cried out to God (probably should have done this before resorting to google, but no one's perfect :)) and humbly admitted that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and I didn't have it all together, and that I desperately needed His grace and patience in my life, especially when it came to discipline.

I started reading over all my parenting notes I have taken from some great biblical resources and realized a lot (which I'll share below) but the main thing that stood out to me was that disciplining to change the heart is much harder than disciplining to instill fear of man or fear of consequences.  The easy route is to try to instill a fear of the punishment instead of viewing discipline as an opportunity to come along side our kids and teach and restore them.  And also, it's not easy in the heat of the moment, especially in public, to view this tantrum as a teachable moment as opposed to a personal attack.  Trust me.  When your kid is yelling and people are watching my first thought is not, "what a great teachable moment!  Let's remain calm and think through how I can make the most of this opportunity."  Instead, I usually think, what is the quickest way to stop the yelling and get out of here as quickly as possible!"

Needless to say, I have a lot to learn.  And this parenting thing can be so so good.  And so so humbling.  All within a span of 5 minutes of each other.  So carry on brave mama's.  Hang in there.  Give yourself grace, seek biblical wisdom, and cling to God's promises. And if I could, I would buy you a coffee as we navigate this beautiful journey called motherhood :)

Here are some other good notes and reminders that I read over in my journal these past couple weeks that I pray can be an encouragement to you!

Purpose of discipline: To train, equip, restore, and come along side

• Love of Jesus changes hearts, not fear and guilt
• View disobedience as a chance to reach hearts instead of seeing it as a personal attack
• Goal is to identify sin and point kids to Jesus, NOT force to obey and instill fear of consequence

Explain sin: choosing my way over God's way or making something more important than God, and explain how sin leads to pain and disappointment

Establish expectations, and know hot buttons.  Pick battles and be consistent

• Focus on the big things like obeying without whining, thankfulness, respect, and kind words

Ask questions, don't necessarily say what they did wrong all the time, but ask if there could have been a better way to speak to you (as an example)

You choose: [good choice = good outcome; bad choice = consequence]

Affirm emotions

Encourage, don't always be on "sin" patrol

• be specific in what you are praising your kids for

Model how much we need Jesus and as parents, we aren't perfect either