Count it all joy...

God has me in James in this season in my life, and is prompting me to memorize the whole book (eek!).  Scripture memory isn't something I'm good at and I have to read them over and over again, but it is in seasons of my life like right now that I am so thankful that God convicted me to do it.

I was hoping later this week to share exciting news.  News that I feel like we have been holding in forever- that Jake was going to be a big brother.  We found out in February we were pregnant with baby number 2, and while we were surprised to be pregnant so quickly, we were thrilled and so thankful.  I started thinking about my family and how close my brothers and I are in age and we were getting really excited at the idea of having a similar family with two kids close in age.  I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but that God would give me the strength to raise two young kids.

This pregnancy was a little different than the first one.  I felt more sick and tired in the beginning, and a couple friends even texted me that they had a dream I was pregnant (and I didn't even tell them!).  We were really excited and already planning for our little family of four in October.

Our first two ultrasounds were the same as Jake.  My placenta was on top so they couldn't hear the heart beat  at 10 weeks on the Doppler so I needed to get an ultrasound.  I didn't worry, because again, that happened with Jake and this time around was no different-  we happily saw our little baby and heard its racing heart beat.  It still amazing me every time that a human barely 1.5 inches long has a heart beat.

Our ultrasound on Monday was obviously different.  They couldn't find the heart beat with the Doppler monitor.  I honestly didn't think twice about it.  The doctor said my placenta felt fine and the baby was probably hiding.  I joked with the ultrasound technician that she was probably getting tired of seeing me as I sat down in the chair and told Jake to get excited that he was going to see his little brother or sister.  It was past his nap time so he was fussy and I was trying to keep him entertained as she started looking.  I saw on the screen what appeared to be a bigger baby than the last one so assumed everything was fine but her quietness told me otherwise.  I knew immediately there wasn't a heartbeat and she confirmed that for me.  13 weeks 5 days.  That's when the baby died.  Some time last week. 

I didn't know what to say so I just said "it's ok."  Obviously, it wasn't.  I think I was trying to tell myself it was fine so I wouldn't start bawling but that didn't help because the tears just started coming.  I was shocked.  I thought we were "in the clear" seeing as we were out of the first trimester.  Everything went fine with Jake, what happened this time?  What did I do wrong?  I honestly just wanted to leave but they needed to talk to me about everything I needed to do since the baby wouldn't pass naturally.

Yesterday I went in for my D&C and just like that I'm not pregnant anymore.  It's really surreal.  You tell family.  You change your whole mindset about your future.  And in a quick doctors appointment everything changes. 

We're really sad.  We're mostly sad we won't get to meet our little boy or girl on this earth.  I don't know why but I felt we were having a girl.  I mean, who really knows, but this pregnancy was different.  Dan and I would be thrilled either way, but it's thinking about things like that that make us sad.  Thinking about how at our next appointment we would find out the gender and throw a little party with our friends.   Thinking about how we were going to share that at 11 months Jake had a little brother or sister inside me that was 4 months old. 

But, like I said before there's a reason God has me in James.  The verse I just memorized was: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  Dan and I can know that we can have joy during this trial because, if we're willing, it can increase our faith.  It's in moments like these that we have a choice.  The big question we have to ask is "What are we going to do with what we're going through?"  We can just be sad.  And don't get me wrong, we're sad.  We're upset, we're disappointed, and we're definitely wanting answers.  But if we just stay there we are missing out on something much more that God wants for us.

We are told in 1 Peter 4 that we shouldn't be surprised when we face trails as though something strange were happening to us.   And again in John 16:33 God reminds us that in this world you will face tribulation, but to take heart, because He has overcome the world.  Trials in this world shouldn't surprise us.  This world is sinful and fallen.  No one can deny that after what happened in our country last week.  That is why I am thankful that Christ came to save us from this ugly place and allow us to spend eternity in heaven.  Where everything will be perfect.  There will be no more tears.  No death, no miscarriage, no cancer, no sickness, no terrorist attacks.  However, until we are there, we will face trails here. 

I have been clinging to the fact that God uses our trials - they do not go to waste.  In Romans 8:28 God says that for those who love Him, He will work ALL things together for good.  And in Psalms 34 God says that He hears our cries for help and is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

I know these next few weeks won't be easy.  I am sure there will be good days and bad days.  But Dan and I know that all we can do is cling to God's Word and the truth that we know about Him.  I am more painfully aware than before that God just entrusts us with our children for only a period of time.  This child was never ours to begin with and neither is Jake.  I am not guaranteed a lifetime with any of our children but I want to cherish the gift that they are to me as long as Dan and I are entrusted with them.

Thanks so much for praying for us during this difficult time.  We already feel so comforted by your prayers, texts, emails, and phone calls.